I just want to contribute to humanity in a significant way. But I'm such a fuckup, how even?

I have waxed and waned in my romantic and physical needs over the years. There were year-long stretches where I wanted no emotional attachments, and only wanted sex. It was easier when I was in a bad place to not have anyone there with me. For the first time in my life, I'm feeling good about where I am. I have a new job that pays better than anything I've ever had, and I have health insurance! (which is great, because I'm pretty sure I have bronchitis, and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.) I'm comfortable with myself, what I'm doing, and my life situation. I've been single for more than two years at this point, by conscious choice. There've been a few fellows I've gone out with a time or two that nothing came from. Now that I'm satisfied with my place in life, and emotionally prepared for romantic involvement it seems that men are coming out of the woodwork to offer me no-strings-attached sex.

Now, part of me wants to be flattered by this. A small part, admittedly. At this point, in the last month, at least 3 men have contacted me to let me know that they would be happy to keep me company and then leave as soon as we were done fucking. One from a date like 4 years ago added me on facebook and asked for advice on his recently opened marriage as an excuse to be all "hey, let's fuck with no feels." A fellow I was sleeping with the past year or so who specifically told me to not grow feelings at him had contacted me a few times since I moved, and most recently by email to more pointedly say "hey, let's keep fucking only more since you're closer!" And then this guy with a girlfriend in another country I see on a weekly basis has made no secret of the fact that he'd be happy to keep me company while she's gone. I don't know when it happened, but I'm just not that person anymore. I don't have the energy to expend on sleeping with someone, exposing myself, my insecurities and vulnerabilities only to be tossed aside the next day. I can't do it anymore, and while it's not the fault of the dudes, they're seriously getting to me at this point. Am I not worth more than that? I'm so fucking awesome, that can't be true. I would just rather they leave me alone than remind me that I'm not worth the emotional investment.

Man, I think I met someone who will be important in my life.

EDIT: I was wrong.

One day I'll find love, and it will be like all the stupid poetry I rewrite in my favorite journal. The years leading up to it would have been worth trudging through alone, because only through feeling that loneliness could I ever truly appreciate what it is to be with someone else. It might not last forever, but the memory of it will carry me through cold nights and bad days. One day I will wake up next to someone else and watch the sun rise in their eyes; I'll know I'm home, and exactly where I was always meant to be.

When I submitted my last posting it made my total post count 420 and I don't think that's funny so I am ruining my blog's attempt to poke fun at me.

I am in an incredibly transitional period right now.

On May 7th I'm graduating from my university after around 6 years and 5 majors. My degree will be in the least useful of all of my majors, but hey man I like art. That doesn't seem to have been all that bad of a decision, as I already have a job lined up! Beginning in June I'm going to be an inside sales representative with a small software development company in Atlanta. I have to graduate, find a place, pack all my shit and move in 1 month.

Part of the background check authorization form I submitted after being hired mentions a drug test. This is, from what I understand, fairly common in the grown up job world. I don't do heroin or meth or anything, but I have been a regular (really really regular) smoker for about 3 years now. Today is my 3rd full day without my crutch and I don't like it at all. GRUMP GRUMP GRUMP. Though the extent to which I have been numbing myself has become apparent and I also don't know how I feel about that. I literally started crying when I discovered that I had forgotten to bring my ID after I had walked the nearly 2 miles to the library. Eating full meals is harder, but I'm assured that I'll normalize eventually.

I find myself with a diminished ability to sit around and do nothing. This is also good I guess, but I'm not to the point where I can like it yet. I don't like anything. I'm full of grump.

Tomorrow I turn in the last academic paper I will ever write (hopefully!) Today I have an 8 hour shift during which time I plan to grind out the rest of this paper. After that? I'm going to watch SO MUCH STAR TREK OH MY JESUS ALL OF IT.

I have less than 1 whole season left of TNG, and I'm in season 3 of DS9. Promised myself I'd wait to finish TNG before continuing DS9 because there are crossover episodes that have spoiled bits of the last season of TNG for me and I can't have that. I knew who Thomas Riker was before I saw him leave Troi a second time. Also I don't like Riker. Anyway.

so something major might be in the works. I have one of those rare opportunities that is one-of-a-kind in the form of a possible job. I might have to move to Atlanta early. 2nd interview in two weeks. I'll do everything I can.

After last time, I haven't heard anything from the thing in Atlanta. Somehow, I don't expect to. This is easier. This is preferred, I guess. Might say, somewhat frankly, that I'll miss the very excellent sexy times. It's unusual that I encounter someone who is into kinkier shit than me, and it was nice to have someone push my boundaries in that way.

Very unlikely I'll meet someone in town before I leave. I'm hoping for some dirty parts while still here, but when I created an OKC profile on a whim the other night that one dude with the dead eyes from Dial was on my suggested matches and I just noped my way out of that. If I had a smartphone I'd have more options I suppose, but that's a long ways off.

I am chipped black fingernail polish and ripped up cuticles
the back right seat of the bus
the ten minutes early for everything
malt liquor
library books
four leaf clovers
cat with asthma
never do anything right

Bands that I used to like that I think I might actually be kind of sick of: The Pixies.

I think it might partially be because a lot of the versions of songs I have from the download of the Pixies I snagged are live. Coincidentally the Pixies sound terrible in those recordings; I mean not the worst but they sound really out of breath and older than they were when they made the originals.

Bad chemicals.

Looking back on my dating history, I can see that I have a history of becoming involved with already involved men. Some part of my inner monologue insists that it's better than being completely alone- reminds me of how good it feels to touch another human being and all that. And on some level it's right.    But what worked out somewhat well (if you don't factor in the hospital visit) for younger me is likely not what present me needs. I'd rather have sex without romance than no sex at all. This is still something that is true. And the present situation I'm in is one that should not be hurtful or surprising to me. When it first started happening, he told me he had just gotten out of a long relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious. Now he's back in that relationship, and I understand that something you put that much of yourself into is hard to separate yourself from- it's nothing to give up on. If he has a chance to be happy with his girlfriend, I want him to be happy because I care about him as a person. But in his mind, our situation has not changed. His relationship is an open one, and the biggest difference I noticed between the last time I went up there and this past weekend was the degree of carefulness with which he cleaned up after our romping. Because he doesn't see anything as having changed, it's sort of difficult for me to remove myself from the situation. Hard for me to say that something is wrong without announcing that I am developing feelings, which would likely end the association by itself. Something I've noted as a rather pointed difference between polyamorous men and men in open relationships is how they can have all the sex they want, but emotional attachment is a no-no.

I don't want an emotionally unattached relationship anymore. I want someone to want me. And I really mean me, not my tits.

One day I will find that. I have to believe it.

Really tired of not being important to anyone. Also tired of sucking as a person to the point where no one is capable of loving me.

My roommates have paired off and hang out all the time, pointedly not inviting me.

I'm going to die alone.

I've been deeply unhappy for a long time now. For lots of reasons. Most of them my fault.

The thing in Atlanta that's a bad idea continues to happen. I've mostly divorced my feelings about the situation, but sometimes when I'm in a low place it stabs in how little I matter to him. Have had to cancel twice, and I guess I'm good enough for sex at least because he still wants me to go up there. After last time he made sure to reschedule as soon as he could, but of course he had plans for Valentines day. Since the stunning conversation we had initially, it's been made pretty clear that my conversation is not desired outside of our visits. It's less that he seems to care about me (emotionally) not at all, and more that there is someone that he does care about and it's not me. It won't ever be me. I'm going to try and develop the emotional fortitude to remove myself from this situation.

One day I will have a good life. I will make enough to pay for my bills and pay back people who I owe. I will be surrounded by love and good friends; we will enrich each others lives and be happy. Eventually I'll have days where I don't wake up before my alarm and stare with concern at the ceiling before the screeching summons me to task.

One day my anxiety will let my heart rate settle for long enough to sell my plasma to BioTest. Sometime soon things will start going well for me, I have to hope.

Every time I do this, I swear I won't do it again.

I'm so bad with money. How did I let myself get into this situation? Ugh. I'm bad at things.

Going to tax place tomorrow to get refund money in a hurry. Rent check bounced so I lost 35 for the check bouncing, 50 because my rent is now late and the whole amount of the rent as well. I make so little money. Hoping tomorrow gives me good news.

Glad the writer is here, but am quickly able to see that as fond of him as I am, this likely didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. Has lots of other things to do here, other people to see. Busy busy. Don't begrudge him, enjoying the time. Pleasant to have sympathetic company that's so pretty to look at. Will be sad to see him leave, but will try not to wallow in the afterglow of his presence. Expressed my continuous over-arching sadness re: learning life + love isn't everything I'd hoped, might die alone, blah blah blah, and he pulled out something he wrote in response to someone's question written into his newspaper advice column. So insightful, helpful and understanding while being encouraging and down-to-earth. Learning that there is more to life than has been built into my brain to expect. Hoping this means optimism for days to come.

ughhhhh and he was delayed by weather and I don't know how long he's going to be. When I checked after class (around 6) he was in VA. My internet estimates have that being around ~7 or so hours away so he would be here at 1 or so if that maths out. Hope he's safe. So far!

maybe not float. maybe be a crazy person and be unable to think about other things. 50% waiting for something to come up and have everything cancelled and the other 50% is just raw, aching need.

That being said I've been having a hard time getting through these article summaries for my senior seminar. As punishment for the snow day last week we have to write a 1-page summary of each assigned reading. One of which was 2.5 pages long and the other is two paragraphs worth of catalog description of paintings which I still haven't figured out how to do. Sent the professor an email just to check and see if she did mean to assign that for such a summary and was told that a student of my level should be up to the challenge. I guess I am, but I also hope these won't be graded.

so with recent events and the pressures involved with transitioning out of college and into the real world, my spirits have been pretty low.

Never stopped thinking about the writer. I guess I never stopped writing about the writer either. but as if from nowhere he's talking to me. He echoes my feelings and wants to come see me. Almost nothing for a year, and then this? I'll float through the next few days. I can't think of anything else I want more. Sentimental fool.

A draft I don't know that I'll ever flush out more. Started it a week ago, so it doesn't reference this most recent Saturday, but the one before it:

Saturday my sister, mother and I visited my grandmother about two hours away. While we were there my mother behaved extremely erratically, and causing all of us a great deal of concern. She chain smoked and slurred, and her hearing was noticeably damaged from her abuse of prescription pain medication. She couldn't maintain her lane and would constantly talk to herself or be unable to stop monopolizing conversations. Once when she was out for a smoke break my grandmother, sister and myself decided that under no circumstances was mother to drive home. At one point after we'd eaten lunch my mother got a phone call and immediately became hysterical. She explained to us that it was her 300-pound-pillhead-boyfriend, telling her that their house was on fire. We immediately left after very tearful, worried goodbyes. My little sister is in town from the northeast, and we only get to see her once a year. The visit was both completely her idea, and a surprise for my grandmother. I'm very grateful to have been able to see her that happen. Discover mothers house is a total loss, the red cross is putting them in a hotel for two days but after that they have no idea what they'll do.

Oh oh oh. And after last night? The fellow I last slept with and I ran into each other downtown and converged our groups. My friend made out with him and I left. Feels veStiry melodramatic with how things apparently went down. I think my lady friend or her brother or someone punched him in the face about it, unless the face-punching he texted me about was about something else which I doubt.

I mean I can't really be mad about it. I did turn him down. He called me after I got home and slurred something like "I dunno what's going on between you and me..." and the fairest assessment is nothing.

Nothing with anyone, because my hotter friend will make out with them.

Edit: my friend didn't hit him in the face, he got hit in the face by someone trying to take his wallet.

Things that shouldn't be hurtful but somehow still are:

when your occasional lover (and very specifically non-committed at that)'s exgirlfriend has a bunch of recent pictures of her at his place. I mean, we know each other, we're friends on facebook. I had unfollowed her so I didn't have to see anything like this should it happen, but then I went looking and then there it was. I guess this just serves to highlight my deep-seated desire to be in some sort of committed something for a while. Not with him, obviously.

I shouldn't keep getting all worked up about stuff like this. This is going to be a really difficult time in my life and I should really grow a thicker skin. Not helping things that someone I think I used to have feelings for is randomly stopping in online to have half a stilted conversation about nothing in particular.

Stop it stop it stop it. Just too much right now. Everything. I hate everything.

Must have really messed me up to have been such an awkward-ass child. I wasn't that one kid. The one every elementary school class has, one of each gender, who is just the mascot for social nonfunctionality. They may have had some sort of disorder or something, or maybe they were just really dumb. I was that kid's tag-along. Maybe we were friends in an elementary school sort of way, but saying that we were friends seems incorrect. All through elementary school, I was a social pariah. Vividly remember this time when the popular kids (who were literally just known as the popular kids) decided to do this really stupid thing and take a recess vote of the playground as to which outsider to make a part of their group. I remember it having been rigged because the one girl who got in was totally already their friend. Children can be assholes.

Anyway, I guess that doesn't matter now. Most of the traumatic events in my life revolve around something I fucked up socially. I can't stop being terrible at interacting with other people. When others spend a good length of time with me they seem to grow to dislike me. It's been pretty consistent throughout the years, and I'd have to say that signs are pointing to me being terrible.

When I move to Atlanta I'm going to have to find a roommate because there is no way I'll be able to afford to live by myself. Where the fuck am I going to work? What the fuck am I going to do with my life? I'm so intimidated by the magnitude of the decisions I'll make in the next few months.

Was reminded by roommate when I paused at the bar on the way home to warm up that I will also have to go to court this year. The man who tried to kill my mother stalled the case out a few months to give his attorney time to prepare, stalling and restarting the very upsetting process of the trial. Recent social withdrawal has left me feeling very alone, very vulnerable. I'm afraid I've become pretty unlikable.

Reminding myself that no matter how lonely I get, OKcupid is not the answer. There aren't any more vagabond dirty writers who are magic on there anymore, and there's no use looking for them.

I have an extreme amount of anxiety right now.

I'm graduating this semester and while I know I'd like to be in Atlanta when my lease is up, I don't know where I'll work or where I'll live. My car has started making a noise and I'm using it as little as possible. My roommates and I have grown apart due to different lifestyles (or maybe they don't like me?), and I'm trying not to be hurt about it. School is so much already and it's only week three. I have to call the court house to track down that ticket I lost so I can pay it ASAP. There's always something that I'm missing or I've done wrong.

Nice seeming fellow tried to pursue me recently, and I turned him down for reasons I couldn't even really explain to myself. I can't stand me right now, and the thought of someone else being able to put up with me is mildly off-putting.

Just futilely spent around 20 minutes on omegle trying to get a stranger to talk to me so I could vent some of my frustrations to no avail. I'm tired but I have had so much coffee and it's going to be below freezing with vicious winds when I have to walk home in an hour and a half.