Must have really messed me up to have been such an awkward-ass child. I wasn't that one kid. The one every elementary school class has, one of each gender, who is just the mascot for social nonfunctionality. They may have had some sort of disorder or something, or maybe they were just really dumb. I was that kid's tag-along. Maybe we were friends in an elementary school sort of way, but saying that we were friends seems incorrect. All through elementary school, I was a social pariah. Vividly remember this time when the popular kids (who were literally just known as the popular kids) decided to do this really stupid thing and take a recess vote of the playground as to which outsider to make a part of their group. I remember it having been rigged because the one girl who got in was totally already their friend. Children can be assholes.

Anyway, I guess that doesn't matter now. Most of the traumatic events in my life revolve around something I fucked up socially. I can't stop being terrible at interacting with other people. When others spend a good length of time with me they seem to grow to dislike me. It's been pretty consistent throughout the years, and I'd have to say that signs are pointing to me being terrible.

When I move to Atlanta I'm going to have to find a roommate because there is no way I'll be able to afford to live by myself. Where the fuck am I going to work? What the fuck am I going to do with my life? I'm so intimidated by the magnitude of the decisions I'll make in the next few months.

Was reminded by roommate when I paused at the bar on the way home to warm up that I will also have to go to court this year. The man who tried to kill my mother stalled the case out a few months to give his attorney time to prepare, stalling and restarting the very upsetting process of the trial. Recent social withdrawal has left me feeling very alone, very vulnerable. I'm afraid I've become pretty unlikable.