What am I doing?

I'm sitting home alone, in bed, on a Sunday afternoon. Reading PostSecret, listening to the french rock you gave me and telling myself I don't need to cry.

I'm distracting myself by spending money I don't have on Magic tournaments, and wishing I could fall back on the security of what we had to defend myself from the men there.

I'm hanging out with everyone I know, over and over again so I don't have to be alone, and cringing because I know they'll get tired of me sooner or later.

I'm telling myself that I'm getting over you. I'm starting to believe it when I get hit by the most tremendous wave of longing and wishing I had you to cling to again.

I'm smoking cigarettes on a habitual basis. Not just cloves anymore either.

I've started crying to the upteenth time and don't feel any sort of catharsis like I should.

Being around truly talented people makes me feel... well, for lack of a better word- untalented.

What an eventful week.

Soon to be an eventful weekend.

One can only wonder at what happens next. How delightful.

I don't know if I meant that last post.

I don't know much of anything.

My cat has fleas.

My cat is also in heat.

These things add up to me not being a fan of said cat at the moment.

Work was acceptable. Spurts of being busy interspersed with plateaus of calm. Freshmen are jerks. Got to listen to a coworker talk about how she wants to get engaged soon. This is a coworker whom I would often talk about Mike, and what we hoped for in the future with our respective boyfriends.

Though I'm not trying to, the longer it's been since we separated, the less broken up about it I am. Also, the less likely I am to say confidently that I'd take him back. I don't know anymore. I mean, I wonder if the only thing that was keeping us together was the fact that we were in love. Love is not enough to make a relationship work, I've found. The thing I miss most about him is the fact that I got to be the only person who knew all of those things about him. I had someone to notice scrapes that I got, and be concerned for my well-being. I had someone who would call and say goodnight every night. I had someone to worry about. We went through a lot together- a lot of things that really should have broken us up on multiple occasions. It was a miracle that kept us together.

Even if he told me he wanted me back right now, I don't know what I would say. It's completely impossible to return to what we had without incident. We couldn't just pretend that this didn't happen. And I wouldn't want to. This is important, even if we don't end up back together. I'm learning a lot about myself, and he's giving himself the space he needs to make plans for the future.

I am almost certain that this was always meant to be a breakup, not a break. I'm starting to be okay with this. It makes me sad.

Something amazing happened in Helen yesterday.

After we had finished tubing, we went into town and got funnel cakes. Not only were they delicious, but while we were eating them in the restaurant, Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. The people in the booth in front of us started singing along, and one by one, every one of us in the booth started singing too. We sang the whole thing word for word, splitting the hi-low parts by booth. It was amazing.

So, I love my tabletop RPG crew.

Also, tomorrow, I'm supposed to be going kayaking, and Saturday I'm going tubing with my best friend in Helen.

I don't own a bathing suit. D:

I will probably be tan by Sunday. Or some version of extremely burned.

I'm missing a part of myself.

You were laying on the carpet
like you're satin in a coffin.
You said, "Do you believe what you're sayin'?"
Yeah right now, but not that often.

Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
God I sure hope you are dead.

Well you disappeared so often
like you dissolved into coffee.
Are you here right now
or are there probably fossils under your meat?

Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
God I sure hope you are dead.

Now the blow's been softened,
since the air we breathe's our coffin.
Well now the blow's been softened,
since the ocean is our coffin.
Often times you know our laughter
is your coffin ever after.
And you know the blow's been softened,
since the world is our coffin.
Well now the blow's been softened
since we are our own damn coffins.
Well everybody's talkin' about their short lists.
Everybody's talkin' about death.

You were laying on the carpet
like you're satin in a coffin.
You said, "Do you believe what you're sayin'?"
Yeah right now, but not that often.

Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
God, I sure hope you are dead.

It's Wednesday, but it feels like the weekend. I don't have to work, so I slept in. Woke up to my mother pestering me about how I didn't tell her I was single again. Joy.

Nicole and Danny broke up. I wasn't surprised. Last week after I got off of work, I called her, and she bitched about all of the things that were wrong with her relationship, and I talked about how great Mike and I were together. Ha. Last Monday, I think.

I don't want to stop talking about it and try to get over it. If this is going to be a break, I can't get over him. But it's just like stringing out the agony over a long, thin wire. Some days are better than others.

What if his plans for the future don't involve me, and after X amount of time, he tell me this, and I've waited and hoped for nothing?

Gah, I'm not helping myself feel any better.