I used to think of getting older as a series of reaching different plateaus. I had a hard time thinking past 16, 18, 21. I made far-reaching plans in my head and accepted them as fact without really doing anything to ensure that I would reach these goals. As I continue my progress into the uncharted territory of my 20s, and I don't see any more plateaus on my horizon, I've realized that I was wrong.

Life is not a series of plateaus, or a journey, or whatever it is that movies lead us to believe. I no longer think that I'm holding out for a great job, or that one romance that will give new purpose to life. Every day that moves forward, I can see everything and everyone that I know changing at what must be a normal rate, but as someone seeing it for the first time, I find it very troubling. I've noticed that my days are largely the same, with the standout exceptions of finding that something about my body doesn't work as well as it used to. My joints feel tight, my teeth tender and the general weight of responsibility heavy.

I've moved past being held responsible for my actions by my parents, or my concerned friends. I am instead only motivated by my own compulsions, whims, and self-destructive tendencies. I don't feel useful, and I don't think that I am doing anything to better the world (which has been the only driving, consistent goal in my life to this point.) This is a weird muck that I wade through in bare feet, hoping to find some lost sense of purpose buried with the dragonfly larvae in the mud.

When I think of the future, it seems like a long empty hallway that I can't see the end of. I'm sure there are doors in it, but none that I can see right now. I have begun to take my greatest pleasures in life from the small group of friends and the moments we share together between our days at our pointless jobs.

Often, I think on Player Piano, by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. With the emphasis on automation, and rapid progression of technology, I see most lower-level jobs as being phased out in my lifetime. I feel as though the future of my country is a mixture of the corporate society (as depicted in Player Piano) and the rise of artificial intelligence (as depicted in the Second Renaissance from the Animatrix.) Though perhaps not all within my lifetime, as one can never tell how long you have.