I tend to be more loquacious when I've been left alone for long stretches of time. I don't deal well with solitude. Always been somewhat of a social creature.

Also, I've given vodka another shot. Mostly because I wanted bloody mary(s) and that's what's in one. But now I'm out of mix and half a bottle and nothing better to do. I know it's supposed to be a sign of alcoholism when you drink alone, but I disagree. If no one else will drink with you, what are you supposed to do? Sit and watch television or do something productive? No thank you.

That's something that I've been doing tons more of as I age: drinking. It allows for a deeper understanding of oneself, I believe. But most of what you find is ugly and wretched, which is why so many drunks are miserable. I don't much like myself, but I don't think I'm miserable yet. Though as I watch time taking what it's owed from my body I can't help but be seized by a compulsion to use my body as much as possible before it's taken away with me. I want to feel so much, but I've been in a mist of apathy for so long. These past few months were supposed to be a breather, a time to rediscover myself and reawaken my artistic yearnings. But all I've done is try to dull the deafening mediocrity that is my life.

And on a small and mostly unrelated note, my favorite band is playing their last shows ever this year. I thought the dates were for next year, but I was mistaken. At the end of the week, the tickets will go on sale. I think I will buy one, and then perhaps hitchhike my way to NYC? The Cure forum boards are atwitter with possible places for me to stay when I get up there, and other intensely excited people. I feel like this is something I need to go to. If there's anything that can reawaken my lust for life, it may just be the band that gave it to me in the first place.

I wonder will we remember, how it feels to be this alive. <3