Trials 1

Attempting to experience a lucid hallucination by abusing sleeping pills and coffee.

Aaaaaand, Go.

I am not well.

Probably more so, because I know how good he's doing.

I think I keep changing myself because I don't want people to like me. I don't want to be attractive. I don't want to think about what I'm missing by being reminded of the worst and most awkward parts of dating. I don't want to care about other people. God, I wonder if I'll ever really get over this.

68.365

LOL I'M SO COOL.

So, the synopsis post for this week of classes. I would have done this a few days ago, but class makes a lady busy. Also, it makes me busy. Now for the breakdown:

Monday/Wednesday/Friday classes:

ARHI 3030- Baroque Art I.

The professor of this class is professor Zuraw. This is a name that used to strike fear in the hearts of all who heard it in the art department. Dr. Zuraw used to be the person to go talk to if you wanted to change your major to art. Luckily, when I went to change it, this was not the case. I heard she used to make people cry. Anyway- she talks really fast, but the class seems interesting so far. At least the earlier sections of the class will be, as I am quite fond of Caravaggio. She talks REALLY fast, and flips through her slides like nobody's buisness. It'll be a tough one- 10:10 in the morning.

ARHI 3080- Contemporary Art History Survey

Professor Wallace talks LOUDLY. But at least the first section of the class will be interesting, as we start covering Jackson Pollock on Friday. I honestly thought this would be a survey of my favorite time period of art (namely 1860-1940) but found that the name of the book is Art Since 1940. Oh well. Lots of friends in this class. Should be fun, but is in the same room as the first one, and happens immediately after it. Lots of sitting in the dark in the morning. I will need to invest in some coffee.

ARST 2200- Introduction to Photography

FINALLY. The whole reason I changed to the art school. I get to start taking my classes in my major concentration. I'm ecstatic. And the teacher seems nice. We start in the darkroom on Friday. Things of concern: this class starts at 3:35, and lets out at 5:30. I'm going to be getting out of class on Friday afternoons at five thirty. I mean, goddamn. Also, it's going to be expensive.

Tuesday/ Thursday classes:

ARST 2400- Introduction to Sculpture

Hard to tell so far. I got lost trying to find the building the first day. But it's really close to my apartment. I can sleep until like 10:30 and then roll out of bed, get coffee, and leisurely stroll up to the building. Boss. Our first project is an accumulation project- getting the most of one object that you can and making something out of it. We don't even start until later next week. The professor likes to talk. A lot. She's also requiring us to go to visiting artist lectures, and then visit a sculpure exhibition and write a review of it. I'm sort of excited. I bought about a pound of jingle bells for the first project today.

FANR 1100- Natural Resource Conservation

This class satisfies my biological sciences credit. That being said, the professor gives you NO REASON to go to class. He makes lecture outlines available online, and every video he shows in class he puts online. He doesn't take attendance, and there are no pop quizzes. But the class is very lively for how large it is, and the professor already knows me by name, which means I'm pretty much going to have to go.

Ugh. That was a lot of writing. I'm already daunted at the sheer number of hours I'm taking. I haven't taken this many since I lost HOPE, and this is the semester I'm hoping (ha!) to get it back. I have two studios, two art histories, and one throw-away. LET'S DO THIS.

67.365

You see, I'm trying. I mix it up. But when I do it right before bed, I'm not inclined to get up or do anything. So I oversharpened it to make it look grainy and neat. Also, I had to crop my nipple out. So there's that.

66.365

This first week of classes was busy. They (all of the photos so far this week) were all taken at my apartment, because I would remember to take it only at night, after classes were over.

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Right before I went to bed- after the first day back to classes.

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So glad I got called out of work today. When I woke up, I had a bit of a hangover. They called as I was getting ready, and then I fell back asleep after taking some aspirin. I slept until three. Now I'm just laying around. I like lazy days.

63.365

So, yesterday was interesting. I went to work, got off two hours early because they were asking for volunteers to leave. Went downtown, cashed my paycheck, spent two hours at the comic book store setting up my subscription box. I'm subscribing to Green Lantern Corps, Green Lantern, Captain America: Reborn, Blackest Night, and Blackest Night: Batman. It took us a while to figure out what I was going to get. My Green Lantern mojo is really on right now.

Came home, took a nap. Went to Magic. Mediocre performance- I only went 2-2. I need to get onto building the Sen Triplets thing I've been thinking about. 5 colors, borderposts, Sen Triplets, and then maybe two Garruk, two Ajani, two Tezzeret? I'm not sure. But anyway, I went to Magic, then as I was being dropped off back at my apartment, and I was walking to the door, my friend Phillip yells my name. I walk in, drop off my stuff and come back out. There's a party going on two doors down. Me and Michael Will head to it, and I get drunk off of my ass and meet a whole bunch of people. People are much more friendly when they drink.

One thing I discovered at this party: I really like Dr. Steel.

Because maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all,

You're my Wonderwall.

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I never thought I had the face to pull off the short short hair. I still don't, really. Maybe that'll change after I lose the ten pounds I need to.

Busy, bustling day today. I went to the hair salon, got my hair done, then went to Wachovia, got some monies, then hopped on a bus. Went to the health center, paid my outstanding fee from the UTI I had a few weeks ago, then spontaneously went to the women's clinic and got put back on the pill. I've been meaning to. Maybe it'll help even me out.

Saw my mother today, and a bunch of old coworkers. Walking through the dining hall smelled like high school to me. I looked around and realized how much older I was than everyone else. At least in regards to the people eating there. I dunno.

I was just introduced to Pandora. I think I might be addicted. However, I feel like I need more than six thumbs down an hour. Just saying.

I'm in a weird place. I had fun with Alec and Ellis last night, and hung with Katie and Michael Will after they left. Getting stoned seems to help. Talked to the doctor at the clinic about what I've been going through. She seemed a little concerned, but I can't really expect that the people I open up to will react any other way. I dunno. I sort of... just want someone who I really care about to care about me. I can't have that though, because I can't care about anyone very much in my state. Other than Nicole, of course.

There are men who really care about me. Which sort of makes me feel awkward. One especially. I sort of liked him for a while, but he liked me too much. It really scared me away. One of those great-on-paper sorts. And I quote, "It just kills me to want to know you're okay and have no right to know." Really now, how am I supposed to take that?

Ugh, whatever. I have work all weekend. I'm going to enjoy my spare moments of not-work.

Fuck me. I'm in a bad way again. Read something he wrote. Apparently he's feeling better than he has in a long time. Like a big, iron chain has been lifted.

Can't stop crying. I just want the world to go away.

Fuck, I am not this person.

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Woke up this morning in much the same state that I went to sleep. Minus the intoxication. Went to work. Realized I had left my wallet, ran home and then back to work. I found it, no big deal. Being around people and telling a close friend about last night helped pick me up a little. My friends are coming over later tonight to play Scrabble. House rules allow for the use of Pokemon names. Fuck year.

I still feel horrible. I just have this numb, pulsating void-inducing sinkhole of depression just under the shell of normalcy I managed to build up at work. I made an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow. I think it will make me feel better.

I think being alone tonight would be a bad idea. I plan on playing scrabble and hanging out for a while. I just can't anything like last night happen again.

60.365

I'm picking up where I left off.

This is a picture of me. I am stoned to prevent me from being able to feel the lowest of the low swings in my M/D cycle that I have ever experience. I cut HELP into the back of my hand with an exacto knife. And but cut, I mean scratched, because let's be honest- I'm too much of a pussy to actually do anything. I'm pretty embarassed about it. I'm also ashamed of myself. I'm posting this because I'm trying not to lie about myself, hoping that if I have an accurate picture of myself, then maybe I'll be something interesting to look at.

I do want to claify that this is not a cry for help. I don't want anyone who reads these things to feel burdened with the thought that they have to reach out and help someone suffering, because I'll be alright. I know I will be. I could never cause myself serious harm, and I am not alone- I have people I can talk to. I just don't want to.

Maybe this is me talking to myself? I don't know. God, what an emo kid.

I've never felt like this before.

I might need to call one of those crisis phonelines or something.

edit: I feel like such an emo kid. I pussed out of calling anyone. Talked to a friend online, got high with my roommates, had a few cigarettes. I am about to eat little debbies and try to fall asleep high.

God, I hope that typing this and making an ass of myself by admittance, I realize what a fucked up thing it is that I do to myself.

I'm so sad right now.

I just... Goddamn it. This wasn't supposed to happen. I want the things I was promised. I want a letter. I want my explanation. It would be easier to accept that it's over if I knew why it was over.

Goddamn it Mike. I fucking love you. This is not something that I like doing. I don't like being petty, deleting your pictures on facebook, defriending you, pretending that everything is fucking fine when it's not. It hasn't been okay in a long time.

I hate myself. Fuck I hate myself. Why do I do this? Why do I keep fucking doing this?

Fuck.

Minimum wage is up to seven twenty five an hour: ha-cha-cha! I'm excited.

Schedule has me working today (Got home a few minutes ago) tomorrow, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. It still hasn't hit me that school is starting back in very short order. My loan money should be coming in early in the week. Putting most in a savings account that I will only use to pay rent and utilities. The rest I'm using to pay back the health center, buying any books I might need, all of my art supplies, and, depending on how much remains after all of that- I want an Xbox 360. I know, I know, responsible of me, eh?

I might get my nipples peirced on this paycheck. Who knows. I'm feeling very "fuck the world," at the moment, if you've noticed.

I think trying to pretend like I hate you is helping.

Even if I can't hate you: FUCK YOU.

Seriously. I can't believe I fell for all of your bullshit for this long.

I am quite infatuated with my new room, actually. My grandmother gave me some antique furniture, so I am now sleeping on a depression era bed, resting my computer on a 30's era bed, and keeping my underwear, Magic cards and porn in a dresser from God-knows-how-long ago.

I already feel at home, sort of. I've made the bed, unpacked everything, and put the Smashing Pumpkins mural on the wall. It's starting to feel like a place that I live at.

(Also, I'm over him now. Pretty sure, at least.)