Just when I thought I had a handle on this shit.

Our mutual friend comes over and asks for my box of Mike's stuff. No pretenses anymore, eh? I guess it's definitely over.

I just took the last things off of my wall.

I don't live here anymore.

So, my last entry was a bit of a downer. I was at a very low place in my life. The events of the past few days have really pulled me out of what appeared to be a downward spiral.

The VNV Nation concert was a big part of it. For a while, it was though I was still viewing the world from the edge, feeling as though I was about to tip over and cry about everything at any moment. Then, as I was pressed against people I didn't know, watching a band it seems like I've always loved, I do start to cry. Only a little, but it was the catharsis I needed. The piano intro to the song, "Illusion" sparked the pinpricks of what I had been holding back, but as Ronan sang "I truly understand, please don't cry now," I found that little bit of myself that was buried under all of the hopelessness and pulled it back into the light.

Nicole is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in the form of a person. She is the most loving, empathetic person I have ever known. It kills me a little inside that she's moving away next weekend. Though, it'll just be an excuse to visit her in Atlanta more often. I get the feeling that I'll be spending more time in Atlanta in the coming months, anyway.

The place I will be signing the lease for is much smaller than where I live now. It's smaller, cheaper, and closer to downtown. I haven't even really thought about packing yet. Mom is getting me some boxes from work so that I can start packing this week. I'll get a lot of it done on Tuesday. I won't be able to move my furniture in until the 3rd of August, however. The previous tenant won't be able to get them out until then, though I'll be living there starting the 1st. I'll sleep two nights in a stranger's bed.

The room is small and bleak. The window was covered in cardboard, and the carpet was a wee bit spotty. It was like a box. I know I can make it into my own little box, though. The thing I love about my current room is that the sun comes in through my window in the morning and allows me to wake to a room full of light. This new room will be like my little hobbit hole- my cave. I'll cover the walls with posters. Also, the living room walls are fairly devoid of decoration. I will remedy this. I will make this a home, not just a place that I sleep.

On a gross note, I had to leave work early on Thursday to go to the health center. I had a nagging feeling that I had a UTI, and after peeing into a cup, this theory was abundantly confirmed. Also, I was not paid up on my fees, so the visit and the medication cost me one hundred and twenty dollars that I don't have. Luckily, my loans will be coming in on the 7th, so I'll be able to pay that fee, in addition to paying my father and stepmother back for the 600 dollar loan so that I can pay the security deposit and the first month's rent on the new place.

I think the thing that I'm going to miss most of all about my old apartment will be Zak and Bowen. They are amazing people who I always was able to talk to. There was more than a few times that Zak held me as I sobbed over various things. It's just weird, because I feel like they are two of my best friends that I'll be taken away from. I feel like I'm losing a lot right now.

Everything will be alright in the end. I just know it.

I'm getting kicked out of my apartment.

I just found this out.

I was saving my 100th post for something cool, or fancy, but this is what it ended up being.

I have to be out by the 31st. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. It's all I can do to stop myself from calling him. Fuck. I'm alone and homeless. Nobody loves me.

Oh god.

I'm all alone.

I think I'm doing all of these implusive, weird things to myself in the hopes that it will make it all go away. Make it easier to actually look at a future by myself.

Ugh. I hate this this.

I wish I could write him a letter.

I want to.

I don't deal with things well.

When something traumatic happens to me, or in my life, I tend to get some form of body modification.

Like today. I went and dealt with my heartache like I tend to do. I gauged my ears. Because why not?

Fuck. Got the tickets today. They say Micheal Uhall on them. Fuck.

Goddamn, I miss that man.

How amazing. He's not even with me right now, and still manages to be rediculously sweet to me.

Mike bought us tickets to see VNV Nation much earlier in the summer. After we split, I was thinking about asking to buy them from him, which I finally asked about today.

Apparently, he had already arranged to meet with my roommate, Bowen, to give them to her to give to me.

I'm taking Nicole. We're really excited.

Thanks, Mike.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

But what if I don't want to?

What am I doing?

I'm sitting home alone, in bed, on a Sunday afternoon. Reading PostSecret, listening to the french rock you gave me and telling myself I don't need to cry.

I'm distracting myself by spending money I don't have on Magic tournaments, and wishing I could fall back on the security of what we had to defend myself from the men there.

I'm hanging out with everyone I know, over and over again so I don't have to be alone, and cringing because I know they'll get tired of me sooner or later.

I'm telling myself that I'm getting over you. I'm starting to believe it when I get hit by the most tremendous wave of longing and wishing I had you to cling to again.

I'm smoking cigarettes on a habitual basis. Not just cloves anymore either.

I've started crying to the upteenth time and don't feel any sort of catharsis like I should.

Being around truly talented people makes me feel... well, for lack of a better word- untalented.

What an eventful week.

Soon to be an eventful weekend.

One can only wonder at what happens next. How delightful.

I don't know if I meant that last post.

I don't know much of anything.

My cat has fleas.

My cat is also in heat.

These things add up to me not being a fan of said cat at the moment.

Work was acceptable. Spurts of being busy interspersed with plateaus of calm. Freshmen are jerks. Got to listen to a coworker talk about how she wants to get engaged soon. This is a coworker whom I would often talk about Mike, and what we hoped for in the future with our respective boyfriends.

Though I'm not trying to, the longer it's been since we separated, the less broken up about it I am. Also, the less likely I am to say confidently that I'd take him back. I don't know anymore. I mean, I wonder if the only thing that was keeping us together was the fact that we were in love. Love is not enough to make a relationship work, I've found. The thing I miss most about him is the fact that I got to be the only person who knew all of those things about him. I had someone to notice scrapes that I got, and be concerned for my well-being. I had someone who would call and say goodnight every night. I had someone to worry about. We went through a lot together- a lot of things that really should have broken us up on multiple occasions. It was a miracle that kept us together.

Even if he told me he wanted me back right now, I don't know what I would say. It's completely impossible to return to what we had without incident. We couldn't just pretend that this didn't happen. And I wouldn't want to. This is important, even if we don't end up back together. I'm learning a lot about myself, and he's giving himself the space he needs to make plans for the future.

I am almost certain that this was always meant to be a breakup, not a break. I'm starting to be okay with this. It makes me sad.

Something amazing happened in Helen yesterday.

After we had finished tubing, we went into town and got funnel cakes. Not only were they delicious, but while we were eating them in the restaurant, Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. The people in the booth in front of us started singing along, and one by one, every one of us in the booth started singing too. We sang the whole thing word for word, splitting the hi-low parts by booth. It was amazing.

So, I love my tabletop RPG crew.

Also, tomorrow, I'm supposed to be going kayaking, and Saturday I'm going tubing with my best friend in Helen.

I don't own a bathing suit. D:

I will probably be tan by Sunday. Or some version of extremely burned.

I'm missing a part of myself.

You were laying on the carpet
like you're satin in a coffin.
You said, "Do you believe what you're sayin'?"
Yeah right now, but not that often.

Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
God I sure hope you are dead.

Well you disappeared so often
like you dissolved into coffee.
Are you here right now
or are there probably fossils under your meat?

Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
God I sure hope you are dead.

Now the blow's been softened,
since the air we breathe's our coffin.
Well now the blow's been softened,
since the ocean is our coffin.
Often times you know our laughter
is your coffin ever after.
And you know the blow's been softened,
since the world is our coffin.
Well now the blow's been softened
since we are our own damn coffins.
Well everybody's talkin' about their short lists.
Everybody's talkin' about death.

You were laying on the carpet
like you're satin in a coffin.
You said, "Do you believe what you're sayin'?"
Yeah right now, but not that often.

Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
Are you dead or are you sleepin'?
God, I sure hope you are dead.

It's Wednesday, but it feels like the weekend. I don't have to work, so I slept in. Woke up to my mother pestering me about how I didn't tell her I was single again. Joy.

Nicole and Danny broke up. I wasn't surprised. Last week after I got off of work, I called her, and she bitched about all of the things that were wrong with her relationship, and I talked about how great Mike and I were together. Ha. Last Monday, I think.

I don't want to stop talking about it and try to get over it. If this is going to be a break, I can't get over him. But it's just like stringing out the agony over a long, thin wire. Some days are better than others.

What if his plans for the future don't involve me, and after X amount of time, he tell me this, and I've waited and hoped for nothing?

Gah, I'm not helping myself feel any better.