With my mother's death, crippling self hatred and just general mental instability and anguish that I was wading through at the time just really brought me to where it was the only option. And even as I did it, I thought of it as some sort of punishment, something I was driven to because I was such a sad sack.
I think I went to three or four sessions with the doctor. He helped me start analyzing how I spoke to myself in thoughts, and out loud. He helped with lots of things, but mostly he helped by listening when I really needed to talk to someone who wouldn't be offended or affected by anything I had to offer.
But one of the reasons it was so hard to go to therapy is something I'm experiencing now.
I was open with my friends about my success in therapy. Two of my close friends are also currently seeing someone, and they have been helped by it. But I was never interested in making therapy part of my life routine. I wanted tools to work myself out of situations, but I don't want a life coach and honestly fifty bucks a session is steep when you don't always feel like you need it.
But as I enjoyed that success in therapy, it's as if I'm not allowed to express distress or feelings of being unwell without one of the 1st three response sentences including "have you considered going back to therapy?" Which is so discouraging, I have to say. That immediately signals, hey I am not the guy you pay for this so could you not lay your shit on me right now? I suppose I understand where they're coming from, and I see that they have my genuine best interests at heart because it worked once! Why wouldn't it work for every problem!?
It has just been making me gunshy of sharing bad emotional days with close friends, because that 'hey go to therapy' thing is so dismissive, it's such a shut down to me asking for help just in having you listen to me bitch. I just want to express how I'm sad and it hurts and I don't need you to solve it for me, but please don't pass the buck on my sad please just hug me
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