I don't know that writing things down like this is any more helpful than keeping them bottled up. But as mentioned in my previous post, people who I once relied on to vent to now either just don't respond when I tell them about my troubles, or tell me to to go talk to my therapist.

It's been about 4 months since I've seen my doctor. The last time we spoke I felt good, I was in control of my situation and I didn't really have anything to talk to him about, but circumstances have changed.

This past weekend I really scared myself. It was my partners birthday, and it was a milestone of one, so I really put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure he had a good time. He's been feeling a bit down lately as well, but he knew that he wanted to go camping. So we went. We went to a favorite spot of his, and a place he had taken me to before. Now he doesn't ever want to go back there again, and it's because of my poor behavior. There was an unrelated incident involving some shitty people abandoning their dog, but that was only part of what sucked. I complain too much in general, and when I'm under strain, I can't seem to turn it off. We went on a long hike our first day out and had a really nice time, but the trip back up to camp was very hot, stressful and way further up than it looked on the way down. I'm not sure if it's worth mentioning, but I was also dealing with a pretty significant infection on my thumb (which has not yet resolved) that had me in pretty consistent pain the whole weekend. On our way back up, I was just bitching about things, like having a swamp butt because it was so hot, not being able to shower afterwards, the bugs biting at me. My partner is a problem solver, so he's just offering suggestions as to things we can do when we get back at camp to combat those things. I dismiss his suggestions offhandedly, since they don't actually stop me from having the problem at that point. My dismissal reads to him as me DECIDING to be a bitch about something, and he gets sad and discouraged.

When we left the campsite and I could tell just how badly I had messed up, I sort of collapsed in on myself. The intermittent thoughts about my lack of worth became the overwhelming majority of all thoughts, and childhood habits of self harm came back with a vengeance. Ripping off fingernails, scratching hot angry lines down my thighs, giving myself pinch bruises because just for one moment, it felt okay because I was attacking the problem: me. I did this with him in the car because it was such an overwhelming self hatred I believe I actually lost control of my movements for a time. This was scary for both of us, and I have since reached back out to my doctor to make another appointment soon so I have someone to talk to about this. My friend who I have often vented to is the one who likes to tell me to tell my therapist these days. I just told her about an exchange I had with my partner and she just didn't respond. A group of girlfriends who I was considered part of had a dinner together on Friday and posted about it all over social media. I understand it's immature to be sad that I wasn't invited, but I am sad. I also don't feel like I can talk to them about my issues. I can't talk to my partner about my issues. No one wants to listen, and honestly I'm getting so sick of myself.

I texted my doctor and my weed guy this morning about coming around. Weed guy texted back in like fucking 10 minutes. I don't know if I'll hear back from my doctor.

It took a lot of effort to make myself go to therapy at the beginning of the year.

With my mother's death, crippling self hatred and just general mental instability and anguish that I was wading through at the time just really brought me to where it was the only option. And even as I did it, I thought of it as some sort of punishment, something I was driven to because I was such a sad sack.

I think I went to three or four sessions with the doctor. He helped me start analyzing how I spoke to myself in thoughts, and out loud. He helped with lots of things, but mostly he helped by listening when I really needed to talk to someone who wouldn't be offended or affected by anything I had to offer.

But one of the reasons it was so hard to go to therapy is something I'm experiencing now.

I was open with my friends about my success in therapy. Two of my close friends are also currently seeing someone, and they have been helped by it. But I was never interested in making therapy part of my life routine. I wanted tools to work myself out of situations, but I don't want a life coach and honestly fifty bucks a session is steep when you don't always feel like you need it.

But as I enjoyed that success in therapy, it's as if I'm not allowed to express distress or feelings of being unwell without one of the 1st three response sentences including "have you considered going back to therapy?" Which is so discouraging, I have to say. That immediately signals, hey I am not the guy you pay for this so could you not lay your shit on me right now? I suppose I understand where they're coming from, and I see that they have my genuine best interests at heart because it worked once! Why wouldn't it work for every problem!? 

It has just been making me gunshy of sharing bad emotional days with close friends, because that 'hey go to therapy' thing is so dismissive, it's such a shut down to me asking for help just in having you listen to me bitch. I just want to express how I'm sad and it hurts and I don't need you to solve it for me, but please don't pass the buck on my sad please just hug me