When I'm single, once I'm done mourning the death of the relationship, all I seem to think and write about is the opposite sex. But I have this... awkwardness that may be a biological reaction to past heartache. I can remember being a bit more suave. The last few times a guy has flirted with me, it's made me very uncomfortable. But that may be more because I find something about the guy unappealing. The last time I tried flirting with a guy, I am pretty sure I just creeped him out. 


I feel like an asshole when I awkward weasel my way out of romantic social occasions proposed by someone else and sit at home alone and wallow in loneliness. Because it is an asshole thing to do. Trying not to bitch about it has been step one towards recovery in this area. 


"It's no good trying to get rid of your own aloneness. You've got to stick to it all your life. Only at times, at times, the gap will be filled in. At times! But you have to wait for the times. Accept your own aloneness and stick to it, all your life. And then accept the times when the gap is fileld in, when they come. But they've got to come. You can't force them."

People watching is the great hobby of most Americans, I think. Or perhaps not all of us do it, but those of us who do, do so with zeal. Though admittedly it's taken me a few years to learn how to not be creepy about it, and there would be more than one person who would say I'm still not perfect at that. People are magnetic. The complexity of the lives that each of us lead has us abroil with internal conflicts and pushing forward with a motivation all our own. 

My mom has told me on more than one occasion that one of the things she admires about me is that I make my decisions with my eyes open, with full knowledge and acceptance of the consequences of my actions. Now what I want to sharpen focus on in this new year of my life that quickly approaches is making the right decisions. Hone my ability to be as good of a person as the Watchmen makes me want to be.

Staying positive when your nature prefers to be melancholy is difficult. The last week or two have left me discouraged, and from what others have told me, I can be a bit sensitive sometimes. Trying to make this into a rallying point, pull myself by the proverbial bootstraps. More on this as it develops.