Studying for long stretches of time has always been difficult to me. In high school, I was one of those who passed everything with flying colors without having to try. This did not properly prepare me for the amount of studying needed for college. Most of my classes are the sort I can get past in largely the same manner I did in high school. However, I'm in one that wants a lot more than the light reading, occasional paper I'm used to.

This class only has two exams. One of them is on Tuesday. All ancient pottery and sculpture looks pretty similar, and there are 75 images I'm supposed to be able to not only identify by name, but also by year, artist (if known), location (found), location (currently-usually a museum), and how those exposed to it in its time of use would have seen it. There are several different types of pottery I need to be able to identify by shape, and a bunch of pot-painters that I need to be able to identify by style. The most fun is identifying temples that once stood thousands of years ago by a black & white image of the plan (based on archaeological surveying) and an image of the ruins. I have been spending the last several days trying to push this shit into my brain, and I think I might be losing other important information in making room for it.

And then I have a German exam on Thursday. At least it's not as bad as the week before last: I had a German, 19th century European painting, and US history before 1865 (which was only 2 essay questions, boosh) exam. It's just that this one is the biggest deal. So I'm fucking around on the internet.

I should get an annoying alarm program for my computer that jumps in and reminds me every twenty minutes or so to stop watching porn and start studying. Uuggggggh.

Often, I think I was born with an overabundance of emotion. At times I feel as though they will burst forth from under my fingernails, my nose, and other odd crooks of my body.

My appearance is always in a state of flux. I need to change small things constantly. It's as though I'm afraid I'll get bored with myself, but I've always found the body-mod subculture very alluring.

Lists are fun:
22 ear piercings: 2 of which are conch, 1 rook, 1 tragus
Both nipples
5 tattoos
Constantly changing my hair
Constantly painting my nails
Youtube makeup tutorials, and all the colors of the rainbow in eyeshadow.

I sort of look at it all as my armor. Everyone does different things to be happy with themselves.

Speaking of which, I'm going to get a haircut today.

“Did you say the stars were worlds, Tess?"
"Yes."
"All like ours?"
"I don't know, but I think so. They sometimes seem to be like the apples on our stubbard-tree. Most of them splendid and sound - a few blighted."
"Which do we live on - a splendid one or a blighted one?"
"A blighted one.”


I'm having a hard time seeing the good in people. I desperately want to believe that it's there, but fighting the urge to be a huge asshole is not always something I'm up for.

None of the things I'm trying to accomplish are terribly difficult or challenging. I deserve no condemnation or congratulations, as what I am trying to do is catch up with properly functioning humans. There aren't any cravings really, for the cigarettes. But then I'll remember a moment like standing on the front porch of my last apartment at three in the morning, hair askew. The night was quiet, and the flick of the lighter was the loudest sound as his arm slipped around my waist.

But smoking won't bring anything back. Not that I want it, but it's fun to fall in love.

After enough people in your life grow to dislike you from being around you a lot, there's only so much you can blame on individual personality quirks. At a certain point, you realize that it's you. Not sure how anyone manages to spend a concentrated amount of time with me. It's something I can barely stand, myself.

Ah, but what do we say to death? Not today.

Though it is most assuredly petty, there is something strangely satisfying about finally defriending the exboyfriend you've had a hard time getting over on facebook. I cut off my ability to check in on him. Not that I did, but I liked the idea of having the option. Before I would go downtown, I'd check it, as he's the sort of person who tells his facebook everywhere he ever goes, and all about that fight he just had with you. It saved me an awkward run-in once. Back again at that satisfied, solitary place. Meditation and self-improvement are the words of the day. It has been one week and two days since my last cigarette and soda.

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell.
And for once, it might be grand
to have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned.

I had a wonderful time this weekend, but I can feel the consequences of my behavior like extra weights in an already burdensome load. I'm exhausted even though I just slept 9 hours. My teeth hurt. My back hurts from sleeping on the floor/chair 3 nights in a row before discovering as we were leaving that the chair folded out into a bed. I have bruises on my thighs from playing the traditional con-game 'werewolf,' and a few new delightful perfumes from Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs.

Over the course of those few days, much tends to blur together. Much of the free time was spent sitting and watching strangers and playing werewolf. There were a few events worth taking note of aside from this however. On Saturday, an old friend/ guy I used to make out with at Magic tournaments walked past me on his way into a hotel. After calling his name a few times to no response, I got up and chased after him. As I tapped his backpack, he took off running at full speed. I followed at a quickened pace for a few steps before realizing I had begun to chase that fool. Saw him again waiting in line for the DCon after Dark raver thing, but he thinks I didn't since he had his mouth covered.

There was also all of Sunday, which I believe to be the most successful day. Sunday was a draft tournament of M:tG and two concerts (Frenchy and the Punk, Ego Likeness.) During Ego Likeness, apparently Kaylee from Firefly and her husband were watching the show immediately behind us. (Never liked Firefly, personally, but all my friends think that it's a really big deal.) After that there was a DJ, enough attention to my physical form and far too many cigarettes, I walked home in Atlanta at 4AM.

More later, but for some stupid reason, I have class at 9:30AM.