You're supposed to take pictures of things, places, experiences and people that you want to remember. There have been no pictures taken of me in almost a year. I want to become someone worth remembering again. I know I've been allowing the currents of life to carry me for a while. Change comes only to those who pursue it, and those who have it dropped onto them. Nothing has changed recently. Besides my hair, more tattoos, taking some time off of school for a while. So maybe a lot has changed. But I feel the same. I feel like I'm trapped inside a bubble of mediocrity and decay, and I'm getting a little claustrophobic.

But I'm not sure what I need I do to initiate the change I want to see in myself. I don't know what I would like to be, which makes it difficult to aim for anything. For a while I thought that maybe being happy was something worth aiming for. But I don't know how to make myself happy.

I dated and loved someone. But for many reasons, one of the main ones being the imminent demise of my life as I knew it, it didn't last. I broke it off and was a heinous person. I sleep alone every night and clutch my blankets instead of another person. But I know that if I can't be happy on my own, it's really destructive to try and get another person to try. I want to be someone worth loving. I want to achieve things that matter, and I want to get out and do things.

My parents are letting me buy a truck from my grandfather with Alzheimer's. It'll be a stick shift, and at least ten years older than I am. They tell me if I drive it to Atlanta I'll blow the motor out, so it's not the most mobile piece of equipment. Sam and I will be moving in together in the next few months. I hate my job, but the people are wonderful and help me get up in the morning.

More than a small part of me wants to move out of this town. To run somewhere else and just drop anchor and try to make a life for myself. I think I'm at a place in my life where several people might say to themselves, "Hey, where's Allison? Haven't seen her in a few days." But no one who would mourn my leaving, or be unable to transition. On one level this is excruciatingly depressing, but on another it's almost a relief. I really am currently living for myself. It'll probably be a better life once I like myself a bit more.

I am supposed to be seeing a therapist. I can't get them to call me back. No one will talk to me and it's starting to have a severe effect on my day-to-day life.

Maybe venting is better than nothing? I haven't uploaded anything in almost a year. It's safe to say this thing is defunct, I think. A good place to start again... hopefully I'll tell a tale of recovery.

Until then, I'm off to numb myself a good bit.