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My Halloween costume was to be classy.

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First day back at work today. It was like I never left, really. Exam tomorrow. Study study study.
Fi

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Dramatic boobs are... dramatic.

I wanted to take a picture that showed the after-bruises from this weekend, but they didn't really come out, and I ended up with this. So, I promise to stagger boob pictures from this point on. Maybe.

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I had such an amazing weekend. I'm sore, and exhausted- both physically and emotionally. I hadn't really expected it to be so hard to say goodbye, but it really was.

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Oops. A day late. Whatever, I'm already in trouble. <3

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I don't like cleaning. But, you know. Company and stuff. Weird.

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At first I was all:

But then, I lol'd.

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For some reason, blogger is being retarded tonight. Took several strange attempts to get this to upload.

So, I have has an interesting day. I woke up optimistic. I was feeling very good about my sculpture critique, because I felt that my piece was strong. During crit, my instructor said that she thought my design was "flawless." Afterwards, I stayed to have a heart-to-heart with my instructor, who I respect immensely about possibly changing my major to sculpture. I've been feeling very unsatisfied with the photo department, and after I started experimenting with photoshop, I feel like everything about the industry is completely ingenuous. I don't know if I could be happy being a photographer knowing that anything I do can be made better with a computer program. Anyway, I spoke to my professor, and she said that she really saw me going places, and that I had a real aptitude for design. It made me feel like a million bucks.

Then I went to my FANR exam. No problem. Hit it out of the park. In and out in twelve minutes.

This is where the day took a turn.

I headed to visit my mother, who had a birthday card from my grandfather for me. I got it, (it was only 25 bucks) and then went upstairs with her for a minute. I saw some of my old coworkers who promptly told me that I had changed: I had gained weight. This immediately took the wind out of my sails. I was really hurt, so I left. My mother tried to stop me from going, telling me that it was actually a compliment. Really. I left, and now we're not talking.

The rest of the day has been off because of that. I feel really self-concious. My picture for the day is me examining a part of myself that I don't like. I'm too fleshy. I need to lose weight. I hate the way I look and am desperately going to try and lose weight so that I can feel pretty again.

Hey, Josh:

I love you.

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I'ma fly.

I don't look in the mirror
I don't like what I see staring back at me
Everything is clearer
I'll never see what you see
It's not me
So beautiful and free
I'll never be what you need
Can't help at all
I was born so beautiful
But now I'm ugly

And I rot in my skin
As a piece of me dies everyday
I know I'm nothing
I know there's nothing I can say
To change
The judegment in their ways
I'll never be what you need
Can't help at all
My love was so beautiful
But now I'm ugly
Yeah...

I'm good enough, but I don't care
I'm good enough, but I'm not there
I'm good enough, but I don't care
The sun is out, but I'm not there

I'm good enough, but I don't care
The sun is out, but I'm not there
I'm good enough
I'm good enough

I don't look in the mirror
I don't like what I see staring back at me
Everything is clearer
I'll never see what you see
And I rot in my skin
As a piece of me dies everyday
I know I'm nothing
Because I'm ugly

---

Realized I hadn't ripped the songs off of my copy of Aeroplane Flies High yet. I'm swimming back in the pools of insecurity, self-derision, hope, adventure and feckless love of High School. I think this have always been my song. This and Cherry, from the same collection. But not in a self-critical way. Just in a mood, tone, and place sort of thing. I promise I'm not emo-ing out.

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This is my second project for my Intro sculpture class. I <3>

The initial sketches had the pair of pyramids inverted and connected to each other by a thin dowel. I am very glad that I decided against this plan. Imi (my instructor) and Ernesto (the graduated student for the class) really seemed to enjoy it before I had even stained it, so I'm hoping that the stain I chose only adds to it.

I used two different sorts of stain, red for the outer sides, and a black stain for the sides that are facing each other. Otherwise known as "the cans of free stain that had the most in them."

Ugh, I'm doggedly tired already, and I do have a handful of more things to work on. Next stop: laundry. I think I can, I think I can.

Garfield minus Garfield.

Is anyone familiar with a website/ book entitled garfield minus garfield?

If not, http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/ is the web address.

The concept, like the name suggests, is take three frames of the Garfield comic strips and removing the cat from them. In a large number of these panels, it really serves to make Jon look like an alienated, socially awkward and very sad individual. Occasionally, it's just absurd.

Anyway, I discovered this site about a year ago, but then forgot about it, and have recently come back into contact with it, so-to-speak. I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into it, and making it more poignant than it actually is, but I find it to be absolutely fantastic.

A handful of other webcomic-ish things that I feel are worth checking out (if you don't read them already) are as follows:

http://www.nataliedee.com/

http://www.superpoop.com/

http://www.marriedtothesea.com/

http://www.explosm.net/comics/

http://xkcd.com/

And if you don't already read XKCD, I'm going to suggest that there is something wrong with you. It has become so ingrained in my routine, I'm not sure I'd know what to do with myself if I lost that little bit of occasionally romantic, witty in the way I love, wonderfully nerdy comic.

Mostly I'm posting this because I have two more hours until the sculpture studio opens and I don't want to do my flashcards for FANR.

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Jewelry has always meant a lot to me. Whenever someone that I've been in a relationship with someone, and they've given me jewelry, I would obsessively wear it. Be it a bracelet, a necklace, or whatever. I wear it to peices. I never realized why for the longest time.

Then, I discovered my sexual position as a submissive. I was trying to make the jewelry into a collar of sorts, even though the relationships were always vanilla. Now that I actually have one to wear, I almost don't know what to do with myself. I feel very complete, and very loved.

And I will wear it ragged. Hahaa.

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So excited about tonight. A month really is a very long time.

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I am a sleepy pants. Been in recovery all day. No naps.

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Just uploading a quick one before I go out so I don't get in trouble. <3

Ugrgdlkdfhfsd

It's my birthday in an hour.

And everyone is having a bad day.

This is going to be great.

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I come from the future of awesome to eat your face.

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That is my foot. It is from yesterday, in addition to the other one.

I took a nap in the art school. This is me waking up from said nap, with my awesome eye makeup and my halloween bandana. I'm supah cool. Also with forehead wrinkles. Nyah!

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So, ladies and gents- be scandalized.

This is me in some underpants. I took some other ones for the day, but I've decided that putting something like this will help me feel more comfortable with myself.

I was leaning into the camera, so it gives my shoulders this weird hulk-like thing, but whatever.

Here's to the birthday week.

Birthdays.

I feel like a bit of baby.

I'm turning twenty one on Wednesday. This is the last milestone birthday that I have left. After this birthday, I'll be able to do everything, legally, that has an age requirement. I'm pretty excited about it.

This year, I tried not to be obnoxious about it like I wanted to be. Last year, I was telling everyone that my birthday was coming up for the entire month beforehand. I had a big party, and felt pretty loved and appreciated- but I felt like I was getting on everyone's nerves. I didn't want that to happen this year, so I was chill about pretty much everything. I don't/ didn't have plans to do anything except spend this weekend at Ian's and then go out for dinner and drinks the night of my actual birthday.

I know it's silly and selfish of me to expect other people to plan things for my birthday, but birthdays mean a lot to me. And I was only hoping for my friends to plan something this weekend, because that seems to be how we do birthdays. I have been party to planning out elaborate clues and quests for finding presents, driven out to Atlanta for the Rocky Horror Picture show on someone's birthday, and planned something from nothing when a friend decided to come over that day. So, when we sat around all night playing castle crashers as my best friend had an anxiety attack about how she didn't want to be here because of one of Ian's roommates, and our friend was sulking and not talking after he lost at a card game, I had a bit of breakdown.

Birthdays are and always have been important to me. I don't want or expect anyone to move mountains, but I want to feel loved and appreciated. Sometime, it would be nice if someone would surprise me with something, or make it appear as though they had remembered my birthday before they saw me that day.

I know this will pass, and I'll feel like a jerk for feeling like I do now, but right now I feel pretty crummy.

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Remind me to show you the rest from this shoot.

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There was no air conditioning in the art building.

In that canister are the bitchin' photos that I took, and do not get to use for this assignment.

Bummer.

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It's been an off day.

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I don't like salads. Though I've always known that I really should just buckle down and eat healthier, knuckling down has always been hard for me. So, I'm going to lose fifteen pounds. That sounds like a lot, but I'm really tall, and the weight is pretty oddly distributed. I've started to notice the weight gain in my thighs and in my boobs. Don't get me wrong, I like my boobs, but I don't want to have to buy new bras.

So, I'm going to eat healthier and try and find room in my schedule for working out. I doubt I'll be able to find much time for that, as school is really demanding this semester, but I'll try. If nothing else, I'll do a lot more walking. Like tonight, I'm going downtown to scout locations for my shoot tomorrow. Maybe I'll do a few laps around a block or something.

I just don't like feeling self-conscious. Maybe if I look the way I want to, then I'll feel better about myself. Here's hoping.

The art history exam that I had today was absolutely brutal. It was 10 slide IDs, which weren't all that bad, and then three comparison essays. Three doesn't sound like that many, but when you are given two images that you had never before seen juxtaposed and are being asked to write articulately about them in relation to a specific topic in a very, very short period of time, it gets a little stressful. By the end, my handwriting was super sloppy, my sentences were short and didn't always stick to the topic, and one of my essays was complete garbage.

I hope I didn't fail. But if I did, then there were plenty of other people who failed with me.

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This is my Meowth. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Also, no makeup. Ew. But good morning world, nonetheless. <3

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Project restarted by request. And offer.

Honestly, I need to get back into photo more for myself, so it doesn't become something I only do for a grade anyway, so this is a good excuse.

Unrelated: there was a hobo dumpster diving in our dumpster about thirty feet behind me, so I was very much into grabbing the picture, and getting the fuck back inside.