Summer.

When I looked at the unplanned expanse of the summer, I expressed to my small immediate circle of hombres that I just wanted to work and hang out, regrouping my thoughts, changing my plans, etc. That's pretty much what I've been doing.

I've had my job at the call center for almost three months now. It's not hard work, and the people are pretty alright, for the most part. I'm not going back to the dining hall ever again- that's for sure. I have registered for classes, applied for and received financial aid, and basically prepared for the coming semester of classes. This will be my 4th year. Should be my senior year, but I fucked around a good bit my freshman year, so I'll be doing a 'victory lap' as they say.

Met someone at the new job. He was promptly fired three days after I met him, but we kept in touch. He's pretty okay.

I miss all of my friends in Atlanta a great deal. I especially miss the goth nights. I'm abstractly looking into moving to Atlanta when I graduate, but I suppose that's still a while off.

Life is weird. I'll be back to a higher level of functionality soon, I hope.

Got it.

DISINTEGRATION will go on my right arm, right beside where my kissing skeletons are. For one, they are disintegrating, and for two- it's a good spot. Decision made.

Thoughts?

I had previously been thinking of a bunch of super wordy cure tattoos, but now I think I've settled onto an even better idea.



Now the question is: where do I put it?

Andy and I (2)

Today a group of friends and I, quite under the influence, spent a lovely day in the park near our respective apartments. We played in the water, hiked through the woods, played with a ball on a string and had a very relaxing time on this not-quite sunny sunny day.

Andy came too. Though he didn't stay out long. I didn't bring an umbrella for him, and he's too pale to see much sun.

Andy and I (1)

So, when I was in Atlanta a few weeks ago, my friend Tony bought me this Andy Warhol finger puppet, expecting me to destroy it. Instead, I popped it onto my finger and started thinking of all of the hilarious things I could do with it! Andy and I look at abstract expressionist paintings at the High, Andy and I pee onto a canvas and call it art, Andy and I have someone else talk about the paintings that they did that I'm taking credit for, and so on and so forth.

Then I started carrying him around in my bag, and before I knew it, Andy and I had taken an Art History exam, Andy and I had been to a job interview, and Andy and I had eaten Mexican food.

Even these things started to have a sort of novelty. So, since I've sort of abandoned the photo-a-day thing, I thought I'd reinstate it in a way.

I present to you: Andy and I, the series.

In this installment: Andy and I fix our makeup.

Return.

We shall return to our regularly scheduled broadcast shortly. Been finals frenzy, and funk-full.

Lyrics for the next tattoo chosen.

"I want the sky to fall in
I want lightning and thunder
I want blood instead of rain
I want the world to make me wonder."

This is a lie.

How each of us decides
I've never been sure
The part we play
The way we are
How each of us denies any other way in the world
Why each of us must choose
I've never understood
One special friend
One true love
Why each of us must lose everyone else in the world

However unsure
However unwise
Day after day play out our lives
However confused
Pretending to know to the end

But this isn't truth this isn't right
This isn't love this isn't life this isn't real
This is a lie

How each of us believes
I've never really known
In heaven unseen and hell unknown
How each of us dreams to understand anything at all
Why each of us decides
I've never been sure
The part we take
The way we are
Why each of us denies every other way in the world

However unsure
However unwise
Day after day play out our lives
However confused
Pretending to know to the end

But this isn't truth this isn't right
This isn't love this isn't life this isn't real
This is a lie
This isn't truth this isn't right
This isn't love this isn't life this isn't real
This is a lie

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Late-night snack.

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Batman shirt.

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Hee hee.

I own overalls. They are wonderful things.

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Long day at work, and working on class stuff. Ooof. But coming home to a clean room is nice. :D

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The iron pour! A very long day of sweating, working, and putting out fires (literally.)

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Been a long few days. Little late, but it's up.

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Day 200! I've been going at this project for well over a year now. Large skipped gaps in time, but I still really enjoy doing it. It's neat to look back at the beginning and see how I've changed.

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Weirds me out to think I'll be at 200 tomorrow. Better think of something exciting. :D

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And this is today! I'm caught up again. Bring on the more recent updates.

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188.365- 192.365

183.365- 187.365

So, for the last two weeks or so, I've been documenting the progression of my ongoing depression. It's had my camera in lockdown, so I'm uploading them all to catch up.

An embarrassing amount of time.

I just spent an embarassing amount of time saving Robert Smith pictures to my computer.

Alright now.

So, my camera is, at the moment, allocated to a time-lapse photography project, and, as such, cannot be moved from the place that it's located.

To compensate, when the project is over, there will be many pictures of me from each of the days I have missed.

It's taken me about a half hour to even choke this out. I've been feeling simultaneously reclusive, and a desire to tell everyone that I know what I've been going through. It's sort of a double-edge on the latter, though. When I tell people, "I've been going through a really rough period of depression recently," they generally don't want to hang around you. Which is fair, and I understand. But it really doesn't help.

I've been making a point to go to things I've been invited to, and even trying to scare up people to hang around, because I don't just want to be a lump. It works out fine, and I have a great time, until I get home and have to face the feelings I was running from when I was out. This has affected my life in some troubling ways. I've been having a difficult time getting out of bed in the mornings, some mornings I literally don't get up. I just had my first actual meal in three days at dinner, as when presented with food, my stomach sort of just rolls its metaphorical eyes. Been drinking meal replacement shakes, so I haven't died yet. I caught my hand trembling of its own accord yesterday morning, and I got kind of scared. Also, my belly button started bleeding today for some reason. But I suspect that last bit to be unrelated.

So, in a nutshell, that's what I've been working with. I'm not dead, and am planning on dragging myself up to Atlanta in some capacity after these projects are done (see: this upcoming weekend) as I cannot afford Frolicon. Sad days.

Right, to the shower. I'd prefer not to admit how many days it's been, but it's more than three.

You know, it's really funny how quickly everyone just turns away from you when they find out that you're experiencing any sort of mental trauma or distress. No one wants to be around someone when they're depressed, even though that's what they desperately need.

Whoops!

So, I'm purposefully pulling myself out of this funk. Here are some pictures from the iron pour!

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Busted open my mold today. She's a beauty, no? I felt something akin to a maternal instinct when she slid apart. Now she's all chased and gated, and ready for iron! The iron pour will be lovely. Saturday night, it looks like all of my Athens people have decided on Secretroom over Ritual dispite my urging, so I'll likely miss out on seeing my Atlanta peoples this weekend. Sad day. Planning to keep busy until I pass out on Sunday night.

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Just posting a quick one while before I begin reformatting my computer. Wish me luck!

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I feel serendipitous today. Something positive and wonderful has been following me and turning things in a pleasant direction. Time has been passing strangely, and I've been in a lovely mood despite mild irritants that would normally suck the enjoyment out of things for me. This is a nice change.

Also, I nom some brains like a sexy beast.

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Leftover drawing Faidra gave me last night. Going to get back into the habit of pictures. Shaking this funk.

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Villains night costume! I was sort of a weird... half-assed Pris from Bladerunner.

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So, the hair is awesome when I wake up, as well.

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So, I think I may have gone a hop skip and jump off of the deep end. But you know what? I think I look awesome as fuck. So there.

Dyed my hair black like I always wanted to. <3