I am quite infatuated with my new room, actually. My grandmother gave me some antique furniture, so I am now sleeping on a depression era bed, resting my computer on a 30's era bed, and keeping my underwear, Magic cards and porn in a dresser from God-knows-how-long ago.

I already feel at home, sort of. I've made the bed, unpacked everything, and put the Smashing Pumpkins mural on the wall. It's starting to feel like a place that I live at.

(Also, I'm over him now. Pretty sure, at least.)

Just when I thought I had a handle on this shit.

Our mutual friend comes over and asks for my box of Mike's stuff. No pretenses anymore, eh? I guess it's definitely over.

I just took the last things off of my wall.

I don't live here anymore.

So, my last entry was a bit of a downer. I was at a very low place in my life. The events of the past few days have really pulled me out of what appeared to be a downward spiral.

The VNV Nation concert was a big part of it. For a while, it was though I was still viewing the world from the edge, feeling as though I was about to tip over and cry about everything at any moment. Then, as I was pressed against people I didn't know, watching a band it seems like I've always loved, I do start to cry. Only a little, but it was the catharsis I needed. The piano intro to the song, "Illusion" sparked the pinpricks of what I had been holding back, but as Ronan sang "I truly understand, please don't cry now," I found that little bit of myself that was buried under all of the hopelessness and pulled it back into the light.

Nicole is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in the form of a person. She is the most loving, empathetic person I have ever known. It kills me a little inside that she's moving away next weekend. Though, it'll just be an excuse to visit her in Atlanta more often. I get the feeling that I'll be spending more time in Atlanta in the coming months, anyway.

The place I will be signing the lease for is much smaller than where I live now. It's smaller, cheaper, and closer to downtown. I haven't even really thought about packing yet. Mom is getting me some boxes from work so that I can start packing this week. I'll get a lot of it done on Tuesday. I won't be able to move my furniture in until the 3rd of August, however. The previous tenant won't be able to get them out until then, though I'll be living there starting the 1st. I'll sleep two nights in a stranger's bed.

The room is small and bleak. The window was covered in cardboard, and the carpet was a wee bit spotty. It was like a box. I know I can make it into my own little box, though. The thing I love about my current room is that the sun comes in through my window in the morning and allows me to wake to a room full of light. This new room will be like my little hobbit hole- my cave. I'll cover the walls with posters. Also, the living room walls are fairly devoid of decoration. I will remedy this. I will make this a home, not just a place that I sleep.

On a gross note, I had to leave work early on Thursday to go to the health center. I had a nagging feeling that I had a UTI, and after peeing into a cup, this theory was abundantly confirmed. Also, I was not paid up on my fees, so the visit and the medication cost me one hundred and twenty dollars that I don't have. Luckily, my loans will be coming in on the 7th, so I'll be able to pay that fee, in addition to paying my father and stepmother back for the 600 dollar loan so that I can pay the security deposit and the first month's rent on the new place.

I think the thing that I'm going to miss most of all about my old apartment will be Zak and Bowen. They are amazing people who I always was able to talk to. There was more than a few times that Zak held me as I sobbed over various things. It's just weird, because I feel like they are two of my best friends that I'll be taken away from. I feel like I'm losing a lot right now.

Everything will be alright in the end. I just know it.

I'm getting kicked out of my apartment.

I just found this out.

I was saving my 100th post for something cool, or fancy, but this is what it ended up being.

I have to be out by the 31st. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. It's all I can do to stop myself from calling him. Fuck. I'm alone and homeless. Nobody loves me.

Oh god.

I'm all alone.

I think I'm doing all of these implusive, weird things to myself in the hopes that it will make it all go away. Make it easier to actually look at a future by myself.

Ugh. I hate this this.

I wish I could write him a letter.

I want to.

I don't deal with things well.

When something traumatic happens to me, or in my life, I tend to get some form of body modification.

Like today. I went and dealt with my heartache like I tend to do. I gauged my ears. Because why not?

Fuck. Got the tickets today. They say Micheal Uhall on them. Fuck.

Goddamn, I miss that man.

How amazing. He's not even with me right now, and still manages to be rediculously sweet to me.

Mike bought us tickets to see VNV Nation much earlier in the summer. After we split, I was thinking about asking to buy them from him, which I finally asked about today.

Apparently, he had already arranged to meet with my roommate, Bowen, to give them to her to give to me.

I'm taking Nicole. We're really excited.

Thanks, Mike.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

But what if I don't want to?