I just want to contribute to humanity in a significant way. But I'm such a fuckup, how even?

I have waxed and waned in my romantic and physical needs over the years. There were year-long stretches where I wanted no emotional attachments, and only wanted sex. It was easier when I was in a bad place to not have anyone there with me. For the first time in my life, I'm feeling good about where I am. I have a new job that pays better than anything I've ever had, and I have health insurance! (which is great, because I'm pretty sure I have bronchitis, and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.) I'm comfortable with myself, what I'm doing, and my life situation. I've been single for more than two years at this point, by conscious choice. There've been a few fellows I've gone out with a time or two that nothing came from. Now that I'm satisfied with my place in life, and emotionally prepared for romantic involvement it seems that men are coming out of the woodwork to offer me no-strings-attached sex.

Now, part of me wants to be flattered by this. A small part, admittedly. At this point, in the last month, at least 3 men have contacted me to let me know that they would be happy to keep me company and then leave as soon as we were done fucking. One from a date like 4 years ago added me on facebook and asked for advice on his recently opened marriage as an excuse to be all "hey, let's fuck with no feels." A fellow I was sleeping with the past year or so who specifically told me to not grow feelings at him had contacted me a few times since I moved, and most recently by email to more pointedly say "hey, let's keep fucking only more since you're closer!" And then this guy with a girlfriend in another country I see on a weekly basis has made no secret of the fact that he'd be happy to keep me company while she's gone. I don't know when it happened, but I'm just not that person anymore. I don't have the energy to expend on sleeping with someone, exposing myself, my insecurities and vulnerabilities only to be tossed aside the next day. I can't do it anymore, and while it's not the fault of the dudes, they're seriously getting to me at this point. Am I not worth more than that? I'm so fucking awesome, that can't be true. I would just rather they leave me alone than remind me that I'm not worth the emotional investment.

Man, I think I met someone who will be important in my life.

EDIT: I was wrong.

One day I'll find love, and it will be like all the stupid poetry I rewrite in my favorite journal. The years leading up to it would have been worth trudging through alone, because only through feeling that loneliness could I ever truly appreciate what it is to be with someone else. It might not last forever, but the memory of it will carry me through cold nights and bad days. One day I will wake up next to someone else and watch the sun rise in their eyes; I'll know I'm home, and exactly where I was always meant to be.

When I submitted my last posting it made my total post count 420 and I don't think that's funny so I am ruining my blog's attempt to poke fun at me.

I am in an incredibly transitional period right now.

On May 7th I'm graduating from my university after around 6 years and 5 majors. My degree will be in the least useful of all of my majors, but hey man I like art. That doesn't seem to have been all that bad of a decision, as I already have a job lined up! Beginning in June I'm going to be an inside sales representative with a small software development company in Atlanta. I have to graduate, find a place, pack all my shit and move in 1 month.

Part of the background check authorization form I submitted after being hired mentions a drug test. This is, from what I understand, fairly common in the grown up job world. I don't do heroin or meth or anything, but I have been a regular (really really regular) smoker for about 3 years now. Today is my 3rd full day without my crutch and I don't like it at all. GRUMP GRUMP GRUMP. Though the extent to which I have been numbing myself has become apparent and I also don't know how I feel about that. I literally started crying when I discovered that I had forgotten to bring my ID after I had walked the nearly 2 miles to the library. Eating full meals is harder, but I'm assured that I'll normalize eventually.

I find myself with a diminished ability to sit around and do nothing. This is also good I guess, but I'm not to the point where I can like it yet. I don't like anything. I'm full of grump.

Tomorrow I turn in the last academic paper I will ever write (hopefully!) Today I have an 8 hour shift during which time I plan to grind out the rest of this paper. After that? I'm going to watch SO MUCH STAR TREK OH MY JESUS ALL OF IT.

I have less than 1 whole season left of TNG, and I'm in season 3 of DS9. Promised myself I'd wait to finish TNG before continuing DS9 because there are crossover episodes that have spoiled bits of the last season of TNG for me and I can't have that. I knew who Thomas Riker was before I saw him leave Troi a second time. Also I don't like Riker. Anyway.

so something major might be in the works. I have one of those rare opportunities that is one-of-a-kind in the form of a possible job. I might have to move to Atlanta early. 2nd interview in two weeks. I'll do everything I can.

After last time, I haven't heard anything from the thing in Atlanta. Somehow, I don't expect to. This is easier. This is preferred, I guess. Might say, somewhat frankly, that I'll miss the very excellent sexy times. It's unusual that I encounter someone who is into kinkier shit than me, and it was nice to have someone push my boundaries in that way.

Very unlikely I'll meet someone in town before I leave. I'm hoping for some dirty parts while still here, but when I created an OKC profile on a whim the other night that one dude with the dead eyes from Dial was on my suggested matches and I just noped my way out of that. If I had a smartphone I'd have more options I suppose, but that's a long ways off.

I am chipped black fingernail polish and ripped up cuticles
the back right seat of the bus
the ten minutes early for everything
malt liquor
library books
four leaf clovers
cat with asthma
never do anything right

Bands that I used to like that I think I might actually be kind of sick of: The Pixies.

I think it might partially be because a lot of the versions of songs I have from the download of the Pixies I snagged are live. Coincidentally the Pixies sound terrible in those recordings; I mean not the worst but they sound really out of breath and older than they were when they made the originals.