so something major might be in the works. I have one of those rare opportunities that is one-of-a-kind in the form of a possible job. I might have to move to Atlanta early. 2nd interview in two weeks. I'll do everything I can.

After last time, I haven't heard anything from the thing in Atlanta. Somehow, I don't expect to. This is easier. This is preferred, I guess. Might say, somewhat frankly, that I'll miss the very excellent sexy times. It's unusual that I encounter someone who is into kinkier shit than me, and it was nice to have someone push my boundaries in that way.

Very unlikely I'll meet someone in town before I leave. I'm hoping for some dirty parts while still here, but when I created an OKC profile on a whim the other night that one dude with the dead eyes from Dial was on my suggested matches and I just noped my way out of that. If I had a smartphone I'd have more options I suppose, but that's a long ways off.

I am chipped black fingernail polish and ripped up cuticles
the back right seat of the bus
the ten minutes early for everything
malt liquor
library books
four leaf clovers
cat with asthma
never do anything right

Bands that I used to like that I think I might actually be kind of sick of: The Pixies.

I think it might partially be because a lot of the versions of songs I have from the download of the Pixies I snagged are live. Coincidentally the Pixies sound terrible in those recordings; I mean not the worst but they sound really out of breath and older than they were when they made the originals.

Bad chemicals.

Looking back on my dating history, I can see that I have a history of becoming involved with already involved men. Some part of my inner monologue insists that it's better than being completely alone- reminds me of how good it feels to touch another human being and all that. And on some level it's right.    But what worked out somewhat well (if you don't factor in the hospital visit) for younger me is likely not what present me needs. I'd rather have sex without romance than no sex at all. This is still something that is true. And the present situation I'm in is one that should not be hurtful or surprising to me. When it first started happening, he told me he had just gotten out of a long relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious. Now he's back in that relationship, and I understand that something you put that much of yourself into is hard to separate yourself from- it's nothing to give up on. If he has a chance to be happy with his girlfriend, I want him to be happy because I care about him as a person. But in his mind, our situation has not changed. His relationship is an open one, and the biggest difference I noticed between the last time I went up there and this past weekend was the degree of carefulness with which he cleaned up after our romping. Because he doesn't see anything as having changed, it's sort of difficult for me to remove myself from the situation. Hard for me to say that something is wrong without announcing that I am developing feelings, which would likely end the association by itself. Something I've noted as a rather pointed difference between polyamorous men and men in open relationships is how they can have all the sex they want, but emotional attachment is a no-no.

I don't want an emotionally unattached relationship anymore. I want someone to want me. And I really mean me, not my tits.

One day I will find that. I have to believe it.

Really tired of not being important to anyone. Also tired of sucking as a person to the point where no one is capable of loving me.

My roommates have paired off and hang out all the time, pointedly not inviting me.

I'm going to die alone.

I've been deeply unhappy for a long time now. For lots of reasons. Most of them my fault.

The thing in Atlanta that's a bad idea continues to happen. I've mostly divorced my feelings about the situation, but sometimes when I'm in a low place it stabs in how little I matter to him. Have had to cancel twice, and I guess I'm good enough for sex at least because he still wants me to go up there. After last time he made sure to reschedule as soon as he could, but of course he had plans for Valentines day. Since the stunning conversation we had initially, it's been made pretty clear that my conversation is not desired outside of our visits. It's less that he seems to care about me (emotionally) not at all, and more that there is someone that he does care about and it's not me. It won't ever be me. I'm going to try and develop the emotional fortitude to remove myself from this situation.

One day I will have a good life. I will make enough to pay for my bills and pay back people who I owe. I will be surrounded by love and good friends; we will enrich each others lives and be happy. Eventually I'll have days where I don't wake up before my alarm and stare with concern at the ceiling before the screeching summons me to task.

One day my anxiety will let my heart rate settle for long enough to sell my plasma to BioTest. Sometime soon things will start going well for me, I have to hope.

Every time I do this, I swear I won't do it again.

I'm so bad with money. How did I let myself get into this situation? Ugh. I'm bad at things.

Going to tax place tomorrow to get refund money in a hurry. Rent check bounced so I lost 35 for the check bouncing, 50 because my rent is now late and the whole amount of the rent as well. I make so little money. Hoping tomorrow gives me good news.

Glad the writer is here, but am quickly able to see that as fond of him as I am, this likely didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. Has lots of other things to do here, other people to see. Busy busy. Don't begrudge him, enjoying the time. Pleasant to have sympathetic company that's so pretty to look at. Will be sad to see him leave, but will try not to wallow in the afterglow of his presence. Expressed my continuous over-arching sadness re: learning life + love isn't everything I'd hoped, might die alone, blah blah blah, and he pulled out something he wrote in response to someone's question written into his newspaper advice column. So insightful, helpful and understanding while being encouraging and down-to-earth. Learning that there is more to life than has been built into my brain to expect. Hoping this means optimism for days to come.