ughhhhh and he was delayed by weather and I don't know how long he's going to be. When I checked after class (around 6) he was in VA. My internet estimates have that being around ~7 or so hours away so he would be here at 1 or so if that maths out. Hope he's safe. So far!

maybe not float. maybe be a crazy person and be unable to think about other things. 50% waiting for something to come up and have everything cancelled and the other 50% is just raw, aching need.

That being said I've been having a hard time getting through these article summaries for my senior seminar. As punishment for the snow day last week we have to write a 1-page summary of each assigned reading. One of which was 2.5 pages long and the other is two paragraphs worth of catalog description of paintings which I still haven't figured out how to do. Sent the professor an email just to check and see if she did mean to assign that for such a summary and was told that a student of my level should be up to the challenge. I guess I am, but I also hope these won't be graded.

so with recent events and the pressures involved with transitioning out of college and into the real world, my spirits have been pretty low.

Never stopped thinking about the writer. I guess I never stopped writing about the writer either. but as if from nowhere he's talking to me. He echoes my feelings and wants to come see me. Almost nothing for a year, and then this? I'll float through the next few days. I can't think of anything else I want more. Sentimental fool.

A draft I don't know that I'll ever flush out more. Started it a week ago, so it doesn't reference this most recent Saturday, but the one before it:

Saturday my sister, mother and I visited my grandmother about two hours away. While we were there my mother behaved extremely erratically, and causing all of us a great deal of concern. She chain smoked and slurred, and her hearing was noticeably damaged from her abuse of prescription pain medication. She couldn't maintain her lane and would constantly talk to herself or be unable to stop monopolizing conversations. Once when she was out for a smoke break my grandmother, sister and myself decided that under no circumstances was mother to drive home. At one point after we'd eaten lunch my mother got a phone call and immediately became hysterical. She explained to us that it was her 300-pound-pillhead-boyfriend, telling her that their house was on fire. We immediately left after very tearful, worried goodbyes. My little sister is in town from the northeast, and we only get to see her once a year. The visit was both completely her idea, and a surprise for my grandmother. I'm very grateful to have been able to see her that happen. Discover mothers house is a total loss, the red cross is putting them in a hotel for two days but after that they have no idea what they'll do.

Oh oh oh. And after last night? The fellow I last slept with and I ran into each other downtown and converged our groups. My friend made out with him and I left. Feels veStiry melodramatic with how things apparently went down. I think my lady friend or her brother or someone punched him in the face about it, unless the face-punching he texted me about was about something else which I doubt.

I mean I can't really be mad about it. I did turn him down. He called me after I got home and slurred something like "I dunno what's going on between you and me..." and the fairest assessment is nothing.

Nothing with anyone, because my hotter friend will make out with them.

Edit: my friend didn't hit him in the face, he got hit in the face by someone trying to take his wallet.

Things that shouldn't be hurtful but somehow still are:

when your occasional lover (and very specifically non-committed at that)'s exgirlfriend has a bunch of recent pictures of her at his place. I mean, we know each other, we're friends on facebook. I had unfollowed her so I didn't have to see anything like this should it happen, but then I went looking and then there it was. I guess this just serves to highlight my deep-seated desire to be in some sort of committed something for a while. Not with him, obviously.

I shouldn't keep getting all worked up about stuff like this. This is going to be a really difficult time in my life and I should really grow a thicker skin. Not helping things that someone I think I used to have feelings for is randomly stopping in online to have half a stilted conversation about nothing in particular.

Stop it stop it stop it. Just too much right now. Everything. I hate everything.

Must have really messed me up to have been such an awkward-ass child. I wasn't that one kid. The one every elementary school class has, one of each gender, who is just the mascot for social nonfunctionality. They may have had some sort of disorder or something, or maybe they were just really dumb. I was that kid's tag-along. Maybe we were friends in an elementary school sort of way, but saying that we were friends seems incorrect. All through elementary school, I was a social pariah. Vividly remember this time when the popular kids (who were literally just known as the popular kids) decided to do this really stupid thing and take a recess vote of the playground as to which outsider to make a part of their group. I remember it having been rigged because the one girl who got in was totally already their friend. Children can be assholes.

Anyway, I guess that doesn't matter now. Most of the traumatic events in my life revolve around something I fucked up socially. I can't stop being terrible at interacting with other people. When others spend a good length of time with me they seem to grow to dislike me. It's been pretty consistent throughout the years, and I'd have to say that signs are pointing to me being terrible.

When I move to Atlanta I'm going to have to find a roommate because there is no way I'll be able to afford to live by myself. Where the fuck am I going to work? What the fuck am I going to do with my life? I'm so intimidated by the magnitude of the decisions I'll make in the next few months.

Was reminded by roommate when I paused at the bar on the way home to warm up that I will also have to go to court this year. The man who tried to kill my mother stalled the case out a few months to give his attorney time to prepare, stalling and restarting the very upsetting process of the trial. Recent social withdrawal has left me feeling very alone, very vulnerable. I'm afraid I've become pretty unlikable.

Reminding myself that no matter how lonely I get, OKcupid is not the answer. There aren't any more vagabond dirty writers who are magic on there anymore, and there's no use looking for them.

I have an extreme amount of anxiety right now.

I'm graduating this semester and while I know I'd like to be in Atlanta when my lease is up, I don't know where I'll work or where I'll live. My car has started making a noise and I'm using it as little as possible. My roommates and I have grown apart due to different lifestyles (or maybe they don't like me?), and I'm trying not to be hurt about it. School is so much already and it's only week three. I have to call the court house to track down that ticket I lost so I can pay it ASAP. There's always something that I'm missing or I've done wrong.

Nice seeming fellow tried to pursue me recently, and I turned him down for reasons I couldn't even really explain to myself. I can't stand me right now, and the thought of someone else being able to put up with me is mildly off-putting.

Just futilely spent around 20 minutes on omegle trying to get a stranger to talk to me so I could vent some of my frustrations to no avail. I'm tired but I have had so much coffee and it's going to be below freezing with vicious winds when I have to walk home in an hour and a half.

There should be a special term for the act of looking at pictures of happy couples you know while feeling depressed because you're sure that you're going to die alone.

But seriously some of the worst people I've ever met are on their like, 6th engagement? How can they fool someone into loving them that many times? Or maybe they're much better people than I am. Maybe I'm the bad person, and that's why nobody can love me.