So I got my nipples pierced last week. Always wanted to. As this was a thing that previous lovers of mine expressed an interest in, doing it as a single person was somehow self-affirming. Hurt worse than anything else I've done on purpose. Looks pretty spiffy. There's something cathartic about actually having something to heal. Never made it as a cutter, but man will I pay someone to hurt me.

I really like driving around with "Erection" by The Faint playing on the stereo. Windows down, volume up. If anyone notices the words, the reactions are always priceless.

Felt a sincere sense of accomplishment this past weekend. Cold weather camping is for those who do not have fresh nipple piercings, by the way. Brrr.

We can't all get what we want for Christmas. Especially when we're atheists.

On the verge of a new year, I find myself alone in my apartment in a contemplative mood. Was canceled on for hanging outs this afternoon, and the wine I have tastes very strange, and leaves dark purple veiny-looking residue on my tongue. This has been a year of the stupid things I've done catching up with me and showing me what-for.

In February, I will have been single an entire year. I'm quite pleased with this, but in my previous post I think it's clear that the whole affair has its shortcomings.

This year I did nothing really worthwhile. I shared a few beautiful moments with a smattering of people and came to know myself a little bit more. Seems to be the older I get, the less I like myself.

Will tomorrow feel any different than today? Days mean little.

‎"They lived in ugly places where there were only ugly things to do. They didn't own doodley-squat, so they couldn't improve their surroundings. So they did their best to make their insides beautiful instead." - KVJ

All I want for Christmas is to get laid.

As a grown woman of some small amount of self-confidence, I find being stood up by men almost painful enough that I don't date. Because I dislike spending large amounts of time by myself, I try and make plans for the evenings. When I'm told by someone that they would like to hang out on a certain night, I make sure not to make other plans that night.

Dating is tedious, but sex is fun. So I keep trying, like an idiot (who ran out of batteries.)

I don't have time to get stood up. Nevermind. Technically I have all of the time in the world for that. I guess what I mean is that I am tired of getting excited for things that don't happen. So I'll drink my fucking rum and wallow in my self-pity the week before crimbo. Canceled on twice. Ouch.

It is worth noting that my journey to NYC was a successful and somewhat magical one. Somewhat lacking in the directionless wandering I was itching for, but when you're traveling with a family member your actions tend to be more conservative. Though I did get a bit toasty with my father at the bar before the concert.

Oh, the concert. I drank every moment of the thing with all of my senses. It was beautiful to be able to see the music that has come to mean so much to me brought to life. The scarcity of the tickets (combined with the fact that there were only 7 shows), the anticipation of the event, and the genuine love that everyone there had for the band they were going to see made for a wonderful energy. And then this band full of men played songs that were written before I was born as though they had never missed a day of practice. And even though the seats were shit, my father brought binoculars. This allowed me to see that RS was still wearing the glorious red lipstick.

Never say die! Never surrender! Vivre le spectaculaire!

There are very few things in the world that I would say are sources of absolute pleasure.

One of those things is drinking wine alone. I started doing it when I lived in my last apartment when I would be particularly upset. There's just something about getting drunk and only having yourself to confront that comes with a certain amount of clarity. Perhaps it started as a method of self-destruction, but now I see it in an almost holistic way. It allows me to assess all of the issues facing me in an unhurried way. Wine makes me feel poetic and warm, and though there's an inherent sadness to the act of drinking alone, it adds just the right amount of bitterness to the whole scenario.

There comes a time in your life when you have to be happy alone. I think I'm getting there. And I think I'm going to be here, alone. Making my own bad decisions and reaping the benefits. I'll look over the cliffs of insanity and take a deep breath.

I hope that there is so much more to life, and that I've just been unlucky in my encounters so far. Were it not so cold, I would go on a walk. I'm restless.

I wonder if love is real.

It used to be the only thing I believed in.

I've recently become obsessed with the thought that the world as we know it will soon end. Perhaps it's just the recurring dreams of the flash of a nuclear warhead, or wandering the rubble of a city with my heart pounding so hard that it wakes me up. It very well might also be what I've gleaned from the news recently, and being a pessimist. Or it's very possible that I've been watching too much of the walking dead. Either way, it seems to be one of the only things I'm able to devote energy towards these days.

A pervading sense of doom is following me, and taking the color out of life. I'm more than aware that I am not the first person to have the thoughts that I have, or to try and draw their dreams. Something stops me from listening to reason and soldiering on with my currently purposeless existence. Perhaps it's the hope that maybe it will happen, and I will be reborn into a new world where everyone's fate isn't set by the money that they were born into.

Of course, this is common as well. Who doesn't want to start over? Reforge our society and try to rediscover the human experience as it must have once been.

I'm probably crazy.

And given the recent case of mouth diarrhea, I'll just say that even intoxication does nothing for Siouxsie and the Banshees in my eyes. Or ears rather. I decided that I hadn't given them enough of a chance, so I gave them about half an hour. Not happening. I don't like her voice. Or her song content. Or any of the music videos I saw. But anyway.

I tend to be more loquacious when I've been left alone for long stretches of time. I don't deal well with solitude. Always been somewhat of a social creature.

Also, I've given vodka another shot. Mostly because I wanted bloody mary(s) and that's what's in one. But now I'm out of mix and half a bottle and nothing better to do. I know it's supposed to be a sign of alcoholism when you drink alone, but I disagree. If no one else will drink with you, what are you supposed to do? Sit and watch television or do something productive? No thank you.

That's something that I've been doing tons more of as I age: drinking. It allows for a deeper understanding of oneself, I believe. But most of what you find is ugly and wretched, which is why so many drunks are miserable. I don't much like myself, but I don't think I'm miserable yet. Though as I watch time taking what it's owed from my body I can't help but be seized by a compulsion to use my body as much as possible before it's taken away with me. I want to feel so much, but I've been in a mist of apathy for so long. These past few months were supposed to be a breather, a time to rediscover myself and reawaken my artistic yearnings. But all I've done is try to dull the deafening mediocrity that is my life.

And on a small and mostly unrelated note, my favorite band is playing their last shows ever this year. I thought the dates were for next year, but I was mistaken. At the end of the week, the tickets will go on sale. I think I will buy one, and then perhaps hitchhike my way to NYC? The Cure forum boards are atwitter with possible places for me to stay when I get up there, and other intensely excited people. I feel like this is something I need to go to. If there's anything that can reawaken my lust for life, it may just be the band that gave it to me in the first place.

I wonder will we remember, how it feels to be this alive. <3