Everything I have is broken. My laptop is on its last legs. If my phone had service to it, it would still barely function: it turns off randomly when you set it down, the sliding mechanism is broken so that it permanently orients the screen sideways unless I hold the side of the screen with my thumb- and it never got internet. My MP3 player with the functioning headphone jack is so old (2004!) that it's run out of writes on its flash memory (which is all anyone can guess is wrong with it, no other suggestions match up to the list of problems) and it is stuck with the music I have on it- can't take any off or put any on. I've tried reformatting it completely, and my laptop says it's empty despite the music content of the player remaining unchanged. The headphones I got as a gift for being at Dial for 3 years broke within 4 months of using them for the first time, and the earbuds a friend gave me as some kind of stopgap replacement are already on their last leg. I have an iPod video from a while back that functions perfectly except that the headphone jack needs replacing (and the battery too, to be honest.) There is no money to fix anything, and very likely won't be any anytime soon. Hoping to get the foodstamps phone in the mail so that I can have a phone number to put on applications for holiday temporary labor to help alleviate the pressures of taking ALL OF THE HOURS at my minimum wage job. Though I guess I'll still have to take the hours, I'll just not be given to a storm of panic when I don't have enough.

Oh, and I'm broken too, turns out. Technician at the plasma center advised me to go see a doctor as the last 3 times I've gone in and tried to donate, I've been turned away from my pulse being too high. Tried several relaxation techniques, getting there in time to have my pulse return to resting- every time they measure it it's over the maximum allowable rate by a considerable amount. After the last time the technician suggested that if what is causing this is anxiety, that it's affecting my heart and I should go see someone about it. It's funny for the lady at the place to sell your bodily fluids tells you to go spend money on a doctor.

People have been pretty shitty recently in my day-to-day life. Feeling generally disenchanted with my fellow human beings and tired with dragging myself through their company. Literal disconnection from the world has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and a profound depression. There's no light at the end of the tunnel to be seen as of yet- still digging for it.

I currently don't have phone service. This is the reoccurring bill that has the highest charge for the least use. I'm sad because I've had this phone number for a good long while, and there are people who I communicate with solely though it. Since I now receive food stamp benefits, I can apply for a cellphone with x minutes and x texts per month for free, which I'll likely take advantage of in the near future for emergencies.

Causing me to feel even more isolated than I already was.

Been trying to fight off the very strong urge to despair, but something tells me that it only gets worse from this point onward.

Have been reading Dune, because the library is free. I found this passage particularly evocative (if unrelated to the rest of this post): "the tender indignities of physical love, the sharing and communion of selves, the softness and the violence."

Stupid book has been making me cry. I think I love it a little.

Star Trek is all I've ever wanted.

I don't know when why or how I thought a minimum wage job could pay for all of the things I have to pay for. With the smallest loan disbursement yet, and a lower paying job I'm not making it. My parents want me to take over my car insurance, which is fair. But I don't have $75/month for it. Just don't. And that's not even mentioning the heat which will soon have to get turned on and put in my name. My pulse was too high when I last went to the plasma donation place, so I couldn't get the money for that. Went to the grocery to buy food now that my foodstamps card has come in, and hadn't set up my PIN yet. Rather than take the few minutes to call the number and set it up, I panicked and paid with my debit card. So that's money I didn't have to spend.

Still owe my parents for the registration on my car.

Need to take the cat to the vet, because he's scratching himself scabby and it's not fleas. Also there's the cough which they thought was asthma, but I am unconvinced.

Panic tastes like electricity and parental disappointment. I'll figure this out, but I'm not sure how. Already sold all the textbooks the bookstore would take. Got 20$.