The next month promises to be a turbulent one. In one month's time I believe I'll be finished with my finals. Which means I should begin looking for a second job immediately. To avoid having to provide their employees health insurance, like many companies, they are shifting towards a part-time workers only format. I couldn't hope to get more than 30 hours, and that's simply not enough to live on. Not to downplay the final exams themselves and all of the work that lies between the end of the semester and right now. In a mere week I need to have a 20-minute presentation on an altarpiece, which is only the predecessor of the 15 page paper I have to write on the same work. Then there's the actual final for that class, the final for Logic (!) and German may also be tricky. Marine science likely won't get super studied for. In August I'll move again, and I plan to give myself adequate time to organize and pack. The summer is blissfully free of a lot of obligation.

Things seem to be going well for the people I care about, which brings no small amount of ambient joy. This season is too much like summer for my taste. Hopefully I only have a few Georgia summers left. Need to shake off the dirt of this town; twenty two years worth is enough.

Sometimes circumstances seem almost cosmically unfair.

I am frustrated, discouraged and am trying very hard to not project my negative emotions onto those around me. The biggest part of maturation (that I have encountered thus far) has been learning to control my emotions: though I cannot always control the things that happen to me, I can control how I will react to it. Today was difficult for me- one of the sort where no one thing that sucks is terrible enough to be the reason the day is awful, as they all build on each other to create a layer cake of misery. But being able to look at the whole situation even slightly objectively makes me feel, on top of everything else, ashamed at my own frustration. 

A sampling of events of the day include:

- seeing someone I like with their new lover. A reminder that shyness is nice, but shyness will stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to. 

- getting my logic exam back with more grading pen-marks than I'm used to seeing. Makes me feel stupid for the small mistakes I made (constituting most of my cumulative errors), discouraged as I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was, and annoyed at myself for being unable to be happy with a B. I still have an A- in the class, so I shouldn't be as upset as I am with the results of the exam. But I'm concerned.

- an asshole I once expressed interest in (interest that was spurned, pointedly and repeated beyond the time where the point was gotten) now constantly places himself in my proximity, as if daring me to look at him so he can dickishly reject me again. Just fuck off, man.

- in the crowded lecture hall today for the exam, I had an empty seat on each side of me.

- I've been up since 6AM. 

- I hate everything forever. 

So, while I know my problems aren't real problems and I don't feel like I can express them to anyone, I am also annoyed with myself that I'm having this reaction in the first place.