And given the recent case of mouth diarrhea, I'll just say that even intoxication does nothing for Siouxsie and the Banshees in my eyes. Or ears rather. I decided that I hadn't given them enough of a chance, so I gave them about half an hour. Not happening. I don't like her voice. Or her song content. Or any of the music videos I saw. But anyway.

I tend to be more loquacious when I've been left alone for long stretches of time. I don't deal well with solitude. Always been somewhat of a social creature.

Also, I've given vodka another shot. Mostly because I wanted bloody mary(s) and that's what's in one. But now I'm out of mix and half a bottle and nothing better to do. I know it's supposed to be a sign of alcoholism when you drink alone, but I disagree. If no one else will drink with you, what are you supposed to do? Sit and watch television or do something productive? No thank you.

That's something that I've been doing tons more of as I age: drinking. It allows for a deeper understanding of oneself, I believe. But most of what you find is ugly and wretched, which is why so many drunks are miserable. I don't much like myself, but I don't think I'm miserable yet. Though as I watch time taking what it's owed from my body I can't help but be seized by a compulsion to use my body as much as possible before it's taken away with me. I want to feel so much, but I've been in a mist of apathy for so long. These past few months were supposed to be a breather, a time to rediscover myself and reawaken my artistic yearnings. But all I've done is try to dull the deafening mediocrity that is my life.

And on a small and mostly unrelated note, my favorite band is playing their last shows ever this year. I thought the dates were for next year, but I was mistaken. At the end of the week, the tickets will go on sale. I think I will buy one, and then perhaps hitchhike my way to NYC? The Cure forum boards are atwitter with possible places for me to stay when I get up there, and other intensely excited people. I feel like this is something I need to go to. If there's anything that can reawaken my lust for life, it may just be the band that gave it to me in the first place.

I wonder will we remember, how it feels to be this alive. <3

I used to think of getting older as a series of reaching different plateaus. I had a hard time thinking past 16, 18, 21. I made far-reaching plans in my head and accepted them as fact without really doing anything to ensure that I would reach these goals. As I continue my progress into the uncharted territory of my 20s, and I don't see any more plateaus on my horizon, I've realized that I was wrong.

Life is not a series of plateaus, or a journey, or whatever it is that movies lead us to believe. I no longer think that I'm holding out for a great job, or that one romance that will give new purpose to life. Every day that moves forward, I can see everything and everyone that I know changing at what must be a normal rate, but as someone seeing it for the first time, I find it very troubling. I've noticed that my days are largely the same, with the standout exceptions of finding that something about my body doesn't work as well as it used to. My joints feel tight, my teeth tender and the general weight of responsibility heavy.

I've moved past being held responsible for my actions by my parents, or my concerned friends. I am instead only motivated by my own compulsions, whims, and self-destructive tendencies. I don't feel useful, and I don't think that I am doing anything to better the world (which has been the only driving, consistent goal in my life to this point.) This is a weird muck that I wade through in bare feet, hoping to find some lost sense of purpose buried with the dragonfly larvae in the mud.

When I think of the future, it seems like a long empty hallway that I can't see the end of. I'm sure there are doors in it, but none that I can see right now. I have begun to take my greatest pleasures in life from the small group of friends and the moments we share together between our days at our pointless jobs.

Often, I think on Player Piano, by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. With the emphasis on automation, and rapid progression of technology, I see most lower-level jobs as being phased out in my lifetime. I feel as though the future of my country is a mixture of the corporate society (as depicted in Player Piano) and the rise of artificial intelligence (as depicted in the Second Renaissance from the Animatrix.) Though perhaps not all within my lifetime, as one can never tell how long you have.