Today I woke up by myself, ate leftovers, went to the studio to get some work done, walked downtown to get something to drink and buy some cigarettes. As I was walking home, I started thinking about how I spent this Hallmark created holiday the past few years, and where I was in my life then by comparison to where I am now.
Last year and the year before it, I was at dinner with my ex, Mike. I haven't talked about him much in my blog in a long while. Mostly because I don't often think about him. Occasionally I'll wonder if he moved off to the graduate school he mentioned wanting to go to, or remember a small moment we shared together. For the most part, I don't miss him, or our relationship anymore. It wasn't very healthy, and we didn't really have that much in common. The last two years, Mike would take me to Utage downtown, and then we'd walk back to his apartment and watch a movie and fall asleep together. It was very cute, and extremely hallmark.
Last year, I was in my second semester of art school, and probably beginning to wish that I were hooking up with Matt. I never did, but it was a time of temptation. I'd say I was really lost, but I think I felt a lot more grounded then than I do now. I knew what it was that I wanted to do, and how it was that I was going to do it.
I've spent the day alone. I don't say that particularly bitterly. It's just a statement. I don't really feel alone. I feel fairly solid in where I am as a person. But I don't know what I want to do, really. I don't know where I want to go, or even who I want to become. This is the strangest point I can ever remember being at in my life. I don't feel a crushing, sucking loneliness, but I also don't feel particularly strong. Suppose I just feel very fragile. Like if anything more even tapped me, I'd shatter into a pile of sharp bits.
I know that not many of my friends read this blog, but if any of the people who I was with yesterday are, I want to take this opportunity to apologize and thank you. You could never possibly know how much it meant that you were there for me when I needed you. It brings tears to my eyes to know how much you care. And I apologize if I scared you. I scared me a little. I also apologize for ripping you out of whatever your plans were yesterday. You didn't mention them, but I know you had them. And also for bringing me french fries when you came to get me. You guys are the most amazing human beings, and I feel lucky for knowing you.
That being said, I lashed out in hurt on Friday night on someone who didn't deserve it in the slightest. Though you were trying to come out to see me, all I could see in that moment of loneliness and disappointment was that you didn't. I managed to fuck up what was going to be a very nice weekend by not knowing how to handle a simple change of plans due to circumstances beyond the control of either of us. You deserve a lot more than what you got from me, and I apologize profusely.
Happy Valentines day, everyone.
